He Will Carry Me

I just wanted to take a minute to say THANK YOU to everyone who has called, texted, messaged, prayed, and generally sent good love our way. This has not been an easy journey. (But then again, when are they ever?) But with all your prayers and love, we've been managing to trudge through. I have felt your prayers. Literally. Yesterday was the first day in almost 3.5 weeks that I was virtually pain free. That is a miracle, you guys.

God is good. That's the one thing I can trust in all of this. The Bible says that He catches all our teardrops. (Psalm 56:8-11) He hasn't forgotten about me. While there are times I feel so abandoned by Him, there are other times when I am reminded of the sweet, simple truth that He will never leave me or forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

This weekend my incredible father-in-law (Papa B) shared with us what He has been studying in the Bible lately. He was sharing how in the Bible in numerous translations, it doesn't necessarily say to have faith in Jesus, but rather to have His faith. Jesus was a man. He knew what He was called to do...and out of obedience and great faith, He did it. He lived it out. I love it. I love that we can not only have faith in Him, but we can have His faith. Could you imagine if we tapped into that faith...what we could do? Who we could be? What we could become? The impossible wouldn't seem so desolate. It would be easier to have joy in the midst of extreme pain.

Such a simple idea, but profound results.

A quick update about where we are at with this health journey:

*I found out that I need to be very careful about bending, physical activity/exertion, and even sleeping on the side where the tumor is. Apparently it has the potential of rupturing at this point. While I claim that it will not rupture, I plan to obey doctor's orders. *You can be praying a specific cover of protection over me for this.*

*I'm in the process of applying for a health insurance premium. Some generous folks have come alongside us to help get that going which we are so thankful for. I found out there's a chance BCBS of Florida will approve me, even with this condition. If they approve me, I would be covered immediately. No waiting period. The application will go through an underwriting process for the next week or two. *Please pray that I am approved!!*

*I have scheduled a doctor's appointment for 10/10 with a new doctor at the office that was caring for me last year before I lost my health insurance. They have agreed to see me for an upfront fee, and then they will bill me for anything additional. This appointment is in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that the timing of the health insurance approval (in Jesus' name!!!) will come in time for this appointment. Then I would only be responsible for a small copay. (Which would be awesome!)

So there you have it. I just have to get through the next two weeks. But I know with all your love, prayers, and sweet thoughts I will get through the next two weeks with joy, peace, and many more pain-free days!

I'm going to leave you with a mental picture/poem that's been encouraging me the last few days. I'm so thankful that He's carrying me. <3

*Found here*

xoxo,

~N

Here's the song I can't get out of my head...

Pain, Pain...Go AWAY!

Living with a painful/unseen health condition...

Has not been easy.

Has been frustrating on so many levels.

Has stolen life and joy from me and my husband.
Has caused my body to swell and bloat and hold weight like nobody's business.

Has made me feel so alone at times.

Has been so hard to explain to people..and equally as hard to help them understand.

Has caused me to question if God really cared about the pain I was in.

Has caused some bitterness, if I'm being honest.

Has delayed our chance of starting a family.

Has caused me to have to realistically consider the possibility that I could never have a family of my own.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop now.

I have a 10 cm uterine fibroid. (Sorry boys...you might want to read lightly/check out here. It's about to get straight up woman talk!) 10 cm fibroids are this size:

The same size of one of those magic 8 balls we used to play with. 

Make no mistake...this is not just "something women get." It was considered that about 6-8 cm ago. This is a benign tumor. (Meaning it's not cancerous.) But it's still a gigantic ball in my "Reproductive Cavity" that is wreaking havoc on my life. That's not being dramatic, that's being very serious. 

The side effects have been getting worse and worse over the last few months. To the point of me not even getting a cycle (at all...zilch) and being in continuous pain for almost 3 full weeks now. Walking, sitting, standing, ANYTHING makes it hurt.

I don't have health insurance. We can't afford it. So we've been waiting...trying to wait until the next paycheck to pay for my initial doctor's visit so I could make sure nothing was wrong. But paychecks would keep coming and going and after I did our budget for the next check and realized this one wasn't going to be it either, I knew it was time to do something.

Friends helped me research free clinics I could try to go to. I finally found one that would see me so I went there last night right after work. "I'm sorry ma'am, you make too much money. We can't treat you." Heart break. I work part time. We are literally $600 over the poverty line. Sadly, this is the plight of the "middle class" these days. Most of us ride the poverty line but because we manage to stay afloat, there's no help for us. It's the most frustrating, heart breaking situation. (But I'll save that political rant for another time.)

The point is...that was my last straw. I've been in so much pain...can't wait another 2-4 weeks. It's time now. So Aaron (my husband) and I made the decision last night that I needed to go to the Emergency Room. While I knew they wouldn't be able to do the surgery that I need there, I figured it was worth it just to make sure I wasn't extremely ill and that what I was experiencing wasn't life threatening.

I'll fast forward through all the tests and poking and prodding I had to go through last night. But the results of those tests showed the following:

*The largest fibroid has grown from 9 cm (measured August 2011) to 10 cm.

*I have a cyst on my right ovary (again...grr).

*My uterus is extremely enlarged. 

*Everything is so swollen in there that they literally could not photograph the left side of my "Reproductive Cavity." Nothing. They couldn't even get the instruments through there.

Explains the pain, nausea, discomfort, and various other symptoms I've been experiencing. (I'll spare you.)

Fortunately the hand of God has been upon us and the doctor last night did everything he could to help us. He gave us some resources we could check out and I was given a prescription for a mild pain reliever/anti-inflammatory medication (Non-narcotic...I could buy it over the counter in a lower strength.) and was sent on my way.

I was told to try to connect with the OB-GYN affiliated with the hospital so I could be seen immediately. Turns out "being seen immediately" requires $114-$175 up front. Not even a possibility right now. As it is, the $11.99 it's going to cost for my prescription will eat up the rest of what we have.

I've tried calling the Health Department...free clinics...the whole nine yards. But I either make too much money or they don't do payment arrangements. Could I get a health insurance premium if I had help? Sure. But then there's that pesky "pre-existing condition" situation. So we'd be looking at another 6 months (at the very least) before I could get seen again. At that point, the fibroid would be half way to 11 cm (if it continues at its current rate of growth). Do I need to remind you that I don't have any space left? That my organs can literally not handle it anymore?! Could you imagine 11 cm?! (I certainly don't want to. 10 cm is painful enough.)

What's next? A letter to my county Mayor? The FL Governor? At what point do I finally get to push through the health care red tape and get the help I desperately need? Will it take a life-threatening situation before someone does something about it?

Rhetorical questions at best. In the meantime I'll just keep trying to beat down the doors of every single OB-GYN in the county until someone agrees to help. And if nobody will help in my county, I'll skip on over to the next.

Something's gotta give.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you understood this update.

At this point I probably don't even need to reiterate our need for prayer. A huge thank you to the folks who have stuck by us during this time. Your prayers have sent some warmth into our hearts and a teeny bit more patience comes from our lips because of it. Please don't stop.

xo, 

~Nikki