Studying for the "Big Test" Can Cause You to Miss What You're Supposed to Learn

I had a dream last night that I just can't shake.

It screamed "metaphor" the minute I woke up. I knew it wasn't a random dream. Sometimes I have dreams and they are so strange that I chalk them up to whatever I ate the night before. But this dream...I knew immediately it was different.

I was in high school again and we were taking a big test. I had studied intensely for it and was ready for whatever the instructor threw my way.

I took the test...finishing in record time (as I was known for in high school...always finishing first or second) and practically skipping I placed it in the teacher's hands. But to my surprise, he handed the test back to me and opened up the back page to reveal almost 100 questions I had missed! I frantically flipped through all the pages, trying to understand how I had missed this. Being the perfectionist I am, certainly I hadn't missed 100 questions on a TEST. But I had.

Image found here.

Hurry Up and Heal Already!

Here we are, just shy of 3 weeks after surgery and I'm ready to have my life back.

Lying in bed all day, while the dream of so many, gets rather old...quickly. I've been working really hard at just accepting where I am at right now. (And if I forget, one accidental twist or bend reminds me right quick.) It's so hard because I feel like I should be so much further along. (Like I know anything about healing from something like this. Pff.) And when I just lay in bed, the guilt threatens to eat me alive. (Like I have anything to be guilty about!) Goodness gracious, I sometimes feel guilty for taking a pain pill. Which is the most asinine thing ever because I'm barely taking 2-3 pills/day now when I could be taking 8 pills/day, which is the amount it says on the bottle I could take if I need it. I don't understand why I carry around all this guilt. When I saw my doctor last week, he seemed to think I shouldn't be very far along right now at all. He just kept telling me to give myself some grace...that I just had major surgery. That it's going to take awhile to heal. So if a doctor who knows about the healing process for this surgery tells me to take it easy and rest, why is it so hard for me to have peace in that?

The Day I Had 20 Fibroid Tumors Removed From My Uterus

The alarm went off around 5:15 am, but I was already awake. Had been for hours.

So many thoughts running through my head. Did I get everything done that I needed to? I hope Aaron's sleeping right now. He really needs his rest to get through the day. What if this is my last night here on Earth? Have I done everything I wanted to?

"Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters..."

Happy Fathers Day to all the Papas out there!  I hope you were spoiled rotten with love from your family!

We had the precious opportunity to spend part of the day with Aaron's dad, whom I affectionately call, "Papa B."  Obviously I call him, "Dad," but I always refer to him as Papa B when I talk about him to others.  It was a very special day for us as a family because roughly 6 months ago, we almost lost him to heart failure.  6 months later, he's alive and doing much better than that dreadful day.  His heart is functioning 5% better now!  Praise the Lord!!  We just spent some time thanking God today for keeping Papa B. here with us a little longer.  It was a sweet time indeed.

Including him, I have three glorious dads.  Each of them brings something so special to my heart and while I may not understand why God did what He did in my life, I'm so thankful that He knew I would need THREE dads to make it through this life.  ;)

Me and my biological dad a few years ago:

Spitting image, right?


My stepdad and I at my wedding:

And last, but certainly not least, Papa B!

I love my dads.  :)  There was a time in my life where I harbored bitterness and anger about how things happened in my life.  I didn't understand that God had plans for each of these men in my life and now I wouldn't trade them for the world!  I love each of them individually and I am truly blessed to call them all my father.

This was the first Father's Day where I was not really thinking about my dads.  I love them and called them and sent them all cards, but what I couldn't stop thinking about was the day that Aaron will be a dad.  I saw so many pictures of little ones with their papas and all I could daydream about was Aaron getting to be next.  The day that Aaron gets to hug his little wee ones and laugh and joke and teach them how to surf.  It wasn't in a sad way by any means...in fact, it brought tears of joy to my eyes.  I can't wait for the day that I get to refer to him as, "Daddy" to my little ones.  :)

I hope you all had a great weekend and that you have a great Monday!!!
xo,
~N

"Not Because You Love the Song...Because You Love to Sing"

Bizz-ee.  (Say it out loud and you'll know what I mean.)

This is definitely not a season of idleness for me.  In fact, I would venture to say it's the exact opposite.


Work 30+ hrs/week, school full time, running my own photography business, babysit one night a week at the church, small group leading, small group attending, church, ministering at the rehabilitation center, AND trying to find time to cultivate the relationships in my life (like my husband), though there are only a few I can realistically do that with right now.  Some relationships are more demanding and I've had to place boundaries up in order to keep my sanity and still keep those friends.  Others are refreshing and encouraging and reenergizing.  These days, with any spare time I have, I find myself gravitating towards those relationships in order to be filled, since I just keep pouring out every day.  I'm thankful for those people in my life.  Without them, I would be completely sapped dry.

Life = projects these days.  You don't even want to see my "to-do list."  You would probably cry.  For me, of course.  The problem is that life doesn't allow me to start a project and finish it right now.  But things still have to get done.  I'm definitely the kind of personality that prefers to do everything from start to finish, no matter how long it takes.  I hate starting something and then leaving it.  It's like breaking "the zone," (whatever that is) and it irritates me more than anything.  But I've been stretched in that area because life is forcing me to start projects and then leave midway.  But the more projects I've started (and then finished later), the more fulfilled I've felt.  It's less stressful knowing I've already started a project and as soon as I get 30 minutes/1 hr/etc...I'll be able to finish it.  That takes some of the pressure off to get things done right now.  Seriously, the list of projects I have right now is ridiculous.

Speaking of, this morning I got up at 6am (I'll tell you why in a minute), and after my run (see, I told you I'd tell you) I decided I was sick of the kitchen being nasty.  I knew I had about an hour before I needed to start getting ready for my photo shoots/long day today so I thought, "I'm going to start the kitchen.  If I can't finish, that's OK.  But at least I will have started it!"  I worked like a busy bee and managed to finish the kitchen (minus sweeping/mopping).  What an awesome feeling knowing that when I get time to clean again, I can move on to another room.  Since my husband is working now again too, we aren't home much so *hopefully* the house will stay relatively clean.  Unless Miles (our cat) decides to terrorize, which he has been doing lately.  (Can't wait to get him neutered.  That's mean, but it's the truth!)

Lately I've been running.  And by "lately," I actually mean I ran once last week and then again last night.  Haha.  But the point is that I'm even doing it at all!  For years I told myself and everyone else that I wasn't a runner.  So true to self-fulfilling prophecy, I was not a runner.  Knee pains, hamstring pains, foot pains, etc.  I just couldn't do it.  (Gee, I wonder why?)  So finally I decided (this year) that I wanted to be a runner.  Not for some great magnificent charity or something, but for the charity of me.  I want to be a runner.  So, I started by speaking that I am a runner.  (Sounds silly, I know.  I hadn't even donned a pair of running shoes yet!)  Then, I bought running shoes...and they sat in the house for a few days.  But, then I went running.  And guess what?  No knee pains.  No hamstring pains.  No foot pains.  Just me and the pavement and some good old fashioned sweat dripping down.  I was officially a runner.

So I got an armband to put my phone in so I could track my runs and listen to tunes, and I bought some running shorts so I could be legit (and comfortable).  And then I didn't run for like a week.  Rain and school and excuses took my time and attention and I just keep the guilt flowing.  But then yesterday I had the most awesome revelation.  God showed me that I had been rejecting myself.

Now, I knew that.  But not really.  I would never look at myself in the mirror...figuring I would love myself more when I lost weight.  I figured it wasn't worth loving me right now because I was going to change and become fabulous anyways.  Wrong.  SO WRONG THINKING.  I knew I was doing it but I couldn't get my head to admit it and realize it was wrong and I needed to change that thinking.  Ephesians 1:6 says that we are accepted in the Beloved.  So, then, if we're accepted by God because of Christ, we need to accept ourselves!  If God won't reject me, why am I so quick to reject myself?!

I've probably heard that a million different times and a million different ways, but yesterday it resonated and hit me like a ton of love bricks.  That's the missing piece.  That's the wall that's actually kept me from losing weight all these years!!!  Holy.  Bananas.

So yesterday, for the first time maybe ever in my life, I went the whole day loving myself instead of rejecting myself.  Life-changing.  Love me now, not later.  I always heard this, but could never figure out how to do it.  I realized that I have worked SO hard to fight rejection from others, but what I really needed to be fighting was rejection from myself.  Wow.

Because of this, last night I ran.  Not because I wanted to lose weight.  Not because I hated my body so much that I had to do something to get rid of it.  I just ran because I wanted to run.  It was nice and cool last night with a beautiful breeze and I just wanted to get my frustrations and emotions out on the pavement.  There is an old Copeland song (gosh I miss them) that goes, "Sing with your head up With your eyes closed/Not because you love the song/Because you love to sing..."  These days I'm running and loving myself not because I want to lose weight (loving the song), but because I love to run (love to sing).  I love the way my body feels after a run.  My muscles twitching like a horse who's just run for miles.  The way my back feels better and my body feels leaner.  I feel like I can do anything after a run.  


Now, I'm not a running machine...yet.  I start off walking fast and then I run for a minute or so, then I slow down and walk again.  Then I pick it back up for a bit and then I stop.  It's a slow going process for me, but I keep telling myself that I'm training.  Then I feel better.  I don't beat myself up for not running the whole time.  Last night I think I took it a little too hard because on today's run I could feel it in my shins and in my right hamstring and right knee.  My body is warring with me, but I'm going to win.  I will take it easy, but I will not stop.


This morning at 6am when I woke up (ugh, my one day to sleep in!!) I looked out the window and my first thought was, "It's cool outside, I should go run."  WHAT?!  Who am I right now.  I mean, seriously.  I laughed at myself and tried to go back to sleep instead.  But I just kept laying there thinking about running.  Then I remembered the new running playlist I found and that was it.  I was up, donning my running garb and out the door before I could talk myself out of it.  I still felt like I could conquer the world afterwards, even though it was a tough go.  And I have ballet today.  (Yes, I'm taking ballet.  That's another post though.)


Moral of the story?  Sing because you love to sing...who cares what the song is.  :)


xo,
~N

A Day in the Life

Chances are, you don't subscribe to every single status update I make on Facebook.  (And depending on the day, it could be many, or it could be 1.)  So I figured rather than giving you this elaborate update on my life as of right now, I would just give you a look at my day today.  Then maybe you'll get a small idea of what I'm up to.  ;)

*6:45am the alarm went off.
*7:30am I crawled out of bed.  (Yes, I snooze for 45 minutes.)
*Between 7:30am and 8:45am-ish, I got ready for work.  (Yea, I have an awesome job now!)
*9am - 3:30pm Worked at my awesome Production Assistant job for a successful Christian magazine.  (Think Devil Wears Prada, minus the clothes and mean, ridiculous boss.  OK...it's nothing like Devil Wears Prada.  But it's fun!  And it keeps me busy.  Every day I'm working so hard that I look down at my clock and realize I was supposed to go home 10 minutes ago!  That's.  Awesome.)
*4pm I made my way home to kiss my hubs and snuggle my kitten.  (Worked late today.)
*4:30pm - 6pm-ish I donned my "Small Business Owner's Cap" and returned client emails for Paint Hope.  I went back and forth with the print shop trying to get an order right (only to find out I just wasn't counting properly..doh!).  I got a call for another print order so I frantically scrambled to add that to my already existing, complicated order.  (I'm seriously going to bake the guy at the print shop some cookies or a cake or something because he is so patient with me!  Everyone say a nice prayer of blessing for Daniel tonight.  That boy works hard!)
*6pm - 7pm I donned my "Housewife Cap" and figured out the finances.  Called the school to find out when we can expect our financial aid, etc.  Figured out bills and quietly rejoiced because we are finally paying our bills.  I know that sounds so weird...but after months of squeaking by on a prayer, we are finally able to pay our bills.  (Even after we had a tire blow on my car yesterday and we had to replace both back tires.)  Tomorrow will be the first time we pay rent on time, I think, this year.  Prayers of thanks and rejoicing went up in our house today.  :)  I'm looking forward to when Aaron gets a job too so we can start getting ahead.
*7pm - 8pm We splurged and ordered some Chinese from the local restaurant.  I was pretty proud of myself for only eating less than half the meal and drinking water with dinner.  Baby steps friends, baby steps.
*8pm - 8:30pm We got things in order to get ready to run.  (That's right, I run now.  ;))  I recently spent some *precious* money on some good running shoes.  Half my battle with working out is wearing the right shoes.  I've always just purchased the cheap shoes from Walmart or something, but every single time I get blisters or they dig into my ankles and it makes exercising impossible and extremely painful.  So finally we went and got some decent running shoes.   
*8:30 pm - 9:15pm We went running in the nice breeze (thanks, thunderstorm, for the cold front) and then stretched and did some sit ups and such.  It felt so good to get out there and actually run...even if I had to stop and walk a few times.  For my first time trying to run a lot, I am really proud of myself.  I started the Couch25K program, but 2 minutes of running just didn't feel like enough.  I knew I could go more so tonight I figured I would just try.  It was awesome.
*9:15pm - 10:45pm I baked cookies for the women's mentoring luncheon at work tomorrow and worked on a few other things (like this blog). 
*11pm - *12am I'm hoping to be in bed, ready to pass out!


So there you have it...a day in the life.  Unfortunately this doesn't even give a snapshot of my other days where I literally have things back to back.  (Like yesterday with my 7am photo shoot before work plus all my other odd and end things I do during a week.  Now that you've seen a snippet of my week, I hope you can understand if I haven't had a chance to, you know, hang out or even call or text.  Most days after work I'm doing homework to try to keep up with my 4 classes.  2 of my classes end on the 17th of June so I'm trying to hang on as long as I can to finish these intensive ones and then I'll have a little more free time.  And by little, I mean none (as opposed to absolutely none).  ;)

Hopefully you are doing well and having a happy summer!  (I can officially say that now, I think.)

xo,
~N

From the Heart of a "Wannabe Mom"

Happy Mother's Day!

I have taken time today to reflect on all my moms (Momma Mary, Momma Kim, and Mama B.) and have decided that just saying, "Thanks" isn't quite enough.  We stand on our mothers' shoulders.  We run because they walked.  It is no easy task to mother...and my respect for them has probably tripled over the years.  I am honored and grateful to be blessed with three beautiful mothers!

That said, I want to address the hearts of the hurting.  I want to speak into the lives of the women who have lost babies, or haven't been able to conceive yet.  You may or may not know that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for about 6 months now.  I haven't been able to (yet).  While I know and trust that God has a plan for my family (not to mention promises He's going to fulfill), it doesn't make days like today any easier.  In fact, today was the hardest Mother's Day of all for me.

You see, Wednesday I had myself convinced that I was pregnant.  Everything lined up.  I even giggled at the idea that bananas were making me sick lately.  Surely that's a pregnancy thing, right?  Wrong.  So very painfully wrong.  I also made the grave mistake of psyching myself up and thinking, "It could be my first Mother's Day as a mom this year!"  After the single pink line showed up on my test (again), I knew I would move through another Mother's Day without the joy of knowing I was finally a Mom.

I had a photography gig at my husband's former church this morning so we decided to sit in on the service.  I did my best to prepare my heart for yet another "Celebrate Mom" sermon, but still found myself fighting bitterness in my heart.  I was shocked by the contents of today's message.

It was about Hannah, the childless woman.

With tears in my eyes I sat up straight, cocked my head up at God, and started to wonder just what He had up His sleeve for me at that moment.  Surely it was no coincidence I was sitting right there in that seat, on that very morning, in a church that decided to talk to childless mothers instead.

Tears threatened to spill over as I listened to the lady preacher tell the story of a determined Hannah.  Hannah was married to a man who had another wife with lots of children, but Hannah could not conceive.  She was constantly tormented by the husband's other wife...to the point of extreme agony and weeping.  But the difference between Hannah and me is that Hannah prayed.  Fervently.  I find myself just yelling at God instead.  I find myself shouting at Him about how unfair it is.  Why has He given me this desire if He's just going to keep it from me?!  He's surely the only One that can make it happen.

In the story (found in 1 Samuel 1:1) it says that God had closed her womb (vs. 6).  It feels like God has closed my womb.  And not only had God closed her womb, but her rival, the other wife, decided to make her life a living hell because of it.  How much can one woman take?!

I find myself asking God that constantly.  How much do you think I can take?!  The accuser comes to poke at my wound over...and over...and over, until finally I cry bitterly and weep in agony.  One more negative test.  One more person that says, "It's OK, you can adopt!"  While these kinds of comments are said in love, they are received with pain.  I am certain these folks who have beautiful children of their own do not realize the cost involved with adoption.  It always sounds so nice...so good.  But it costs a small fortune to adopt a child.  Do we want to try one day?  Absolutely.  Can we do that anytime soon?  No way.

So my desiring mother's heart waits some more.  Like Hannah, who waited so long for her sweet little boy to come into the world.  But see, it wasn't about Hannah...or Samuel.  It was about an entire nation that was waiting for that boy to come into the world to help save them.  Any sooner and the opportunity wouldn't have been ready.  Any later and he would have missed it.  But no, God's timing is perfect.

My challenge to your bitter heart is to let go and let God.  I know it hurts.  I know what the doctors have said.  I know the pain and the agony you're feeling.  I may have only been trying for 6 months...but this has been my dream since I was old enough to understand what being a mother meant.  I've waited forever for this.  In fact, my dear friend Janie and I used to joke that I was going to "birth a nation."  :)  Let's band together...let's trust together.  Let's remember that the timing is not about us.  Like Hannah, let's commit our children to the Lord.  Let's cry out to Him and wrestle with our flesh to touch His beautiful heart.  When we pray, bitterness will leave us.  And if it doesn't, pray yourself through it until all the bitterness is gone and all that remains is peace.

I needed this message today.  I needed Hope today.  And because I know there are so many of you dealing with this very real, unspoken hurt, I wanted to share it with you.  God has not forgotten us.   And I truly believe that God included the story of Hannah to show us that it's OK to be disappointed.  It's OK when it hurts.  Just don't forget where to go when that hurt comes.  When you cut yourself and blood is dripping everywhere, you don't wait to get a band-aid and some Neosporin.  When our hearts hurt, we can't wait to have them healed.  We have to go to the Great Physician.  We have to lay at His feet and weep.  We have to grieve that very real loss.  Trying to make it "go away" isn't going to do anything for us.  He is the only One who can make us feel better. 

Those of you with little babies already, snuggle them close for us.  Kiss their cheeks and smell their hair for us.  Don't neglect even one precious moment with your little ones because those moments will go away one day and all that will be left is your memories.  And if you need a break, those of us with Hopeful Mommy Hearts will gladly babysit for a little while.  :)

Here's to trusting God's plan over our own...
~Nikki 


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