From the Heart of a "Wannabe Mom"

Happy Mother's Day!

I have taken time today to reflect on all my moms (Momma Mary, Momma Kim, and Mama B.) and have decided that just saying, "Thanks" isn't quite enough.  We stand on our mothers' shoulders.  We run because they walked.  It is no easy task to mother...and my respect for them has probably tripled over the years.  I am honored and grateful to be blessed with three beautiful mothers!

That said, I want to address the hearts of the hurting.  I want to speak into the lives of the women who have lost babies, or haven't been able to conceive yet.  You may or may not know that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for about 6 months now.  I haven't been able to (yet).  While I know and trust that God has a plan for my family (not to mention promises He's going to fulfill), it doesn't make days like today any easier.  In fact, today was the hardest Mother's Day of all for me.

You see, Wednesday I had myself convinced that I was pregnant.  Everything lined up.  I even giggled at the idea that bananas were making me sick lately.  Surely that's a pregnancy thing, right?  Wrong.  So very painfully wrong.  I also made the grave mistake of psyching myself up and thinking, "It could be my first Mother's Day as a mom this year!"  After the single pink line showed up on my test (again), I knew I would move through another Mother's Day without the joy of knowing I was finally a Mom.

I had a photography gig at my husband's former church this morning so we decided to sit in on the service.  I did my best to prepare my heart for yet another "Celebrate Mom" sermon, but still found myself fighting bitterness in my heart.  I was shocked by the contents of today's message.

It was about Hannah, the childless woman.

With tears in my eyes I sat up straight, cocked my head up at God, and started to wonder just what He had up His sleeve for me at that moment.  Surely it was no coincidence I was sitting right there in that seat, on that very morning, in a church that decided to talk to childless mothers instead.

Tears threatened to spill over as I listened to the lady preacher tell the story of a determined Hannah.  Hannah was married to a man who had another wife with lots of children, but Hannah could not conceive.  She was constantly tormented by the husband's other wife...to the point of extreme agony and weeping.  But the difference between Hannah and me is that Hannah prayed.  Fervently.  I find myself just yelling at God instead.  I find myself shouting at Him about how unfair it is.  Why has He given me this desire if He's just going to keep it from me?!  He's surely the only One that can make it happen.

In the story (found in 1 Samuel 1:1) it says that God had closed her womb (vs. 6).  It feels like God has closed my womb.  And not only had God closed her womb, but her rival, the other wife, decided to make her life a living hell because of it.  How much can one woman take?!

I find myself asking God that constantly.  How much do you think I can take?!  The accuser comes to poke at my wound over...and over...and over, until finally I cry bitterly and weep in agony.  One more negative test.  One more person that says, "It's OK, you can adopt!"  While these kinds of comments are said in love, they are received with pain.  I am certain these folks who have beautiful children of their own do not realize the cost involved with adoption.  It always sounds so nice...so good.  But it costs a small fortune to adopt a child.  Do we want to try one day?  Absolutely.  Can we do that anytime soon?  No way.

So my desiring mother's heart waits some more.  Like Hannah, who waited so long for her sweet little boy to come into the world.  But see, it wasn't about Hannah...or Samuel.  It was about an entire nation that was waiting for that boy to come into the world to help save them.  Any sooner and the opportunity wouldn't have been ready.  Any later and he would have missed it.  But no, God's timing is perfect.

My challenge to your bitter heart is to let go and let God.  I know it hurts.  I know what the doctors have said.  I know the pain and the agony you're feeling.  I may have only been trying for 6 months...but this has been my dream since I was old enough to understand what being a mother meant.  I've waited forever for this.  In fact, my dear friend Janie and I used to joke that I was going to "birth a nation."  :)  Let's band together...let's trust together.  Let's remember that the timing is not about us.  Like Hannah, let's commit our children to the Lord.  Let's cry out to Him and wrestle with our flesh to touch His beautiful heart.  When we pray, bitterness will leave us.  And if it doesn't, pray yourself through it until all the bitterness is gone and all that remains is peace.

I needed this message today.  I needed Hope today.  And because I know there are so many of you dealing with this very real, unspoken hurt, I wanted to share it with you.  God has not forgotten us.   And I truly believe that God included the story of Hannah to show us that it's OK to be disappointed.  It's OK when it hurts.  Just don't forget where to go when that hurt comes.  When you cut yourself and blood is dripping everywhere, you don't wait to get a band-aid and some Neosporin.  When our hearts hurt, we can't wait to have them healed.  We have to go to the Great Physician.  We have to lay at His feet and weep.  We have to grieve that very real loss.  Trying to make it "go away" isn't going to do anything for us.  He is the only One who can make us feel better. 

Those of you with little babies already, snuggle them close for us.  Kiss their cheeks and smell their hair for us.  Don't neglect even one precious moment with your little ones because those moments will go away one day and all that will be left is your memories.  And if you need a break, those of us with Hopeful Mommy Hearts will gladly babysit for a little while.  :)

Here's to trusting God's plan over our own...
~Nikki 


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