Here we are, just shy of 3 weeks after surgery and I'm ready to have my life back.
Lying in bed all day, while the dream of so many, gets rather old...quickly. I've been working really hard at just accepting where I am at right now. (And if I forget, one accidental twist or bend reminds me right quick.) It's so hard because I feel like I should be so much further along. (Like I know anything about healing from something like this. Pff.) And when I just lay in bed, the guilt threatens to eat me alive. (Like I have anything to be guilty about!) Goodness gracious, I sometimes feel guilty for taking a pain pill. Which is the most asinine thing ever because I'm barely taking 2-3 pills/day now when I could be taking 8 pills/day, which is the amount it says on the bottle I could take if I need it. I don't understand why I carry around all this guilt. When I saw my doctor last week, he seemed to think I shouldn't be very far along right now at all. He just kept telling me to give myself some grace...that I just had major surgery. That it's going to take awhile to heal. So if a doctor who knows about the healing process for this surgery tells me to take it easy and rest, why is it so hard for me to have peace in that?
I think it comes back to my stupid approval addiction. I realized while I've been lying in bed for weeks on end, that the majority of what I worry about is what other people are thinking about me and my situation. Most of the time there is absolutely nothing to worry about! I realized that I so desperately want people to think the "right things" about me, that I often hide who I really am just in case. I've been doing it for years, so I don't even really know who I am anymore. It's a horrible way to live...always wondering if the next step I take will make someone upset or even happy with me. I constantly worry that I'm not measuring up...and I imagine everyone is thinking the worst of me all the time. So often I feel like I need "permission" from other people to do this or that, or to be this way or that way. And there's always a little bug in my ear telling me just what the other person could think about me in this situation. It's exhausting (and annoying!).
I have been reading books on approval addiction and rejection and I've been working really hard with the Lord on healing from this. But just like healing from my surgery, it's taking what feels like forever to heal from and get rid of approval addiction. It's a matter of constantly redirecting my thoughts and getting rid of old habits. It's trying to do things completely different than I ever have before. It's ugly...because when you don't know if you have someone's approval, it invites fear in. And in your mind the fears sound completely rational. "If my boss thinks this of me, I could lose my job! If my leader thinks this of me, I could lose my opportunity to grow in leadership! If my spouse thinks this of me, maybe he would want to leave me!"
See what I mean? Exhausting.
I didn't really mean to launch into this today. But apparently it's been weighing on my heart to be open and honest about it. It doesn't help that one of my top Love Languages is Words of Affirmation. That's like a diabetic that can only eat cake to survive. Haha. As hard as it is to heal (physically and emotionally) at this speed, I know it will be worth it. I just have to endure. One day at a time.
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