Studying for the "Big Test" Can Cause You to Miss What You're Supposed to Learn

I had a dream last night that I just can't shake.

It screamed "metaphor" the minute I woke up. I knew it wasn't a random dream. Sometimes I have dreams and they are so strange that I chalk them up to whatever I ate the night before. But this dream...I knew immediately it was different.

I was in high school again and we were taking a big test. I had studied intensely for it and was ready for whatever the instructor threw my way.

I took the test...finishing in record time (as I was known for in high school...always finishing first or second) and practically skipping I placed it in the teacher's hands. But to my surprise, he handed the test back to me and opened up the back page to reveal almost 100 questions I had missed! I frantically flipped through all the pages, trying to understand how I had missed this. Being the perfectionist I am, certainly I hadn't missed 100 questions on a TEST. But I had.

Image found here.

Begrudgingly I headed back to my desk to finish the test. I answered all the questions, hardly even knowing the subject matter. But I have a photographic memory, so I just recalled the image of that study page and immediately I could remember the answer. I finally finished the 100 questions I had missed and flipped through the test again to make sure I didn't make the same mistake before returning it to the teacher's desk. Somehow I was still the first student finished. Everyone around me was sitting with their heads down, calmly filling in the little bubbles. I seemed to be the only one concerned about finishing quickly.

I turned to the teacher, and to my surprise he handed the test back to me again. Incredulous I accused him of adding the last page because I did not miss anymore questions! But he never spoke a word and just handed it back to me again. Before my eyes, questions started filling the once white page. That's when I woke up.

I woke up in a pit of despair because I suddenly understood what has been happening in my life. I have been studying so hard for the "big test" that I've forgotten to get a good understanding of the subject matter.

All that's been important to me is getting the grade. Sailing into those pearly white gates (first, of course) and jumping on my Abba Daddy's lap to enjoy Him for all of Eternity. Believing that somehow it would be so much easier to do that when I didn't have all this "Earth stuff" to worry about.

And while that end result is AWESOME, it is not the only thing we're to focus on. Jesus always said the kingdom of God is near. (Mark 1:15, Matthew 3:2) But if all I'm thinking about is seeing the kingdom at the end of life, I'm missing out on the opportunity to enjoy it right now.

More importantly, I'm missing out on the opportunity to jump in my Abba Daddy's lap right now.

I have to be honest though. I struggle with intimacy. With friends, family, my husband, and even God. It's hard for me to let people in. I have this wall up that I've decorated really pretty. I wish you could see it from my side. It's lovely and decorated in all my favorite colors. It represents everything I love that I don't know how to share with folks on the outside. There is a secret door that I sometimes allow a special few people to come through for a little bit. My husband gets to come in frequently and he doesn't really have to knock anymore. But everyone else has to stand outside in the freezing cold, waiting for me to have the courage to open the door. Unfortunately, people don't always want to wait...so most of them leave.

Sometimes I blame them...but most of the time I just understand. But lately I've been trying to come outside a little more. The sunshine outside has enticed me to come out and play. And while I understand why there's no one to play with, it still stings. Like a caterpillar trying to find a place to become a butterfly, I endure awkward conversation after painfully awkward conversation (on my part). I've been indoors so long that it seems I've forgotten how to communicate properly. So I say weird things and laugh too much. Or I just don't speak at all.

Even though I just want to stay in the comfort of my "safe zone," I keep getting knocks at the door. "Let Me come inside and be with you. Let's eat together. Let's laugh and enjoy life together." He won't stop calling to me from outside. (Revelation 3:20)

What is this Love that He would not only wait for me, but He would pursue me?! That He would love me so much that He would make me take the test again and again until I understand the subject matter? Of course He knows after studying the information so long, the test is no longer necessary.

I've been a "Christian" for over 20 years. You can learn a lot of "head knowledge" in that amount of time. Especially someone who is a perfectionist, an overachiever, and a naturally curious student. But 20 years later, I'm starting to realize I've taken all these tests, but I still don't really know my Teacher. I've been doing what I think He wants me to do. But now I realize just how much I've missed the mark.

I need to slow down. Relax. Not worry so much about my grade and getting to the next page quickly or finishing first. I need to spend time with the Teacher. I need to allow Him to instruct me on the things I can't learn from a book. I need to learn the subject matter.

In this day and age, we are lightning quick human beings. Everything we could ever want to learn is at our finger tips. The "answer" is always just a click or swipe away. But if we ever want to truly learn the subject matter, we're going to have to experience it. It's not enough to know it. We have to live it.