Bizz-ee. (Say it out loud and you'll know what I mean.)
This is definitely not a season of idleness for me. In fact, I would venture to say it's the exact
opposite.
Work 30+ hrs/week, school full time, running my own photography business, babysit one night a week at the church, small group leading, small group attending, church, ministering at the rehabilitation center, AND trying to find time to cultivate the relationships in my life (like my husband), though there are only a few I can realistically do that with right now. Some relationships are more demanding and I've had to place boundaries up in order to keep my sanity and still keep those friends. Others are refreshing and encouraging and reenergizing. These days, with any spare time I have, I find myself gravitating towards those relationships in order to be filled, since I just keep pouring out every day. I'm thankful for those people in my life. Without them, I would be completely sapped dry.
Life = projects these days. You don't even want to see my "to-do list." You would probably cry. For me, of course. The problem is that life doesn't allow me to start a project and finish it right now. But things still have to get done. I'm definitely the kind of personality that prefers to do everything from start to finish, no matter how long it takes. I hate starting something and then leaving it. It's like breaking "the zone," (whatever that is) and it irritates me more than anything. But I've been stretched in that area because life is forcing me to start projects and then leave midway. But the more projects I've started (and then finished later), the more fulfilled I've felt. It's less stressful knowing I've already started a project and as soon as I get 30 minutes/1 hr/etc...I'll be able to finish it. That takes some of the pressure off to get things done
right now. Seriously, the list of projects I have right now is ridiculous.
Speaking of, this morning I got up at 6am (I'll tell you why in a minute), and after my run (see, I told you I'd tell you) I decided I was sick of the kitchen being nasty. I knew I had about an hour before I needed to start getting ready for my photo shoots/long day today so I thought, "I'm going to start the kitchen. If I can't finish, that's OK. But at least I will have started it!" I worked like a busy bee and managed to finish the kitchen (minus sweeping/mopping). What an awesome feeling knowing that when I get time to clean again, I can move on to another room. Since my husband is working now again too, we aren't home much so *hopefully* the house will stay relatively clean. Unless Miles (our cat) decides to terrorize, which he has been doing lately. (Can't wait to get him neutered. That's mean, but it's the truth!)
Lately I've been running. And by "lately," I actually mean I ran once last week and then again last night. Haha. But the point is that I'm even doing it at all! For years I told myself and everyone else that I wasn't a runner. So true to self-fulfilling prophecy, I was not a runner. Knee pains, hamstring pains, foot pains, etc. I just couldn't do it. (Gee, I wonder why?) So finally I decided (this year) that I wanted to be a runner. Not for some great magnificent charity or something, but for the charity of
me. I want to be a runner. So, I started by speaking that I am a runner. (Sounds silly, I know. I hadn't even donned a pair of running shoes yet!) Then, I bought running shoes...and they sat in the house for a few days. But, then I went running. And guess what? No knee pains. No hamstring pains. No foot pains. Just me and the pavement and some good old fashioned sweat dripping down. I was officially a runner.
So I got an armband to put my phone in so I could track my runs and listen to tunes, and I bought some running shorts so I could be legit (and comfortable). And then I didn't run for like a week. Rain and school and excuses took my time and attention and I just keep the guilt flowing. But then yesterday I had the most awesome revelation. God showed me that I had been
rejecting myself.
Now, I knew that. But not
really. I would never look at myself in the mirror...figuring I would love myself more when I lost weight. I figured it wasn't worth loving me right now because I was going to change and become fabulous anyways.
Wrong. SO WRONG THINKING. I knew I was doing it but I couldn't get my head to admit it and realize it was wrong and I needed to change that thinking. Ephesians 1:6 says that we are accepted in the Beloved. So, then, if we're accepted by God because of Christ, we need to accept ourselves! If God won't reject me, why am I so quick to reject myself?!
I've probably heard that a million different times and a million different ways, but yesterday it resonated and hit me like a ton of love bricks. That's the missing piece. That's the wall that's actually kept me from losing weight all these years!!! Holy. Bananas.
So yesterday, for the first time maybe ever in my life, I went the whole day loving myself instead of rejecting myself.
Life-changing. Love me now, not later. I always heard this, but could never figure out how to do it. I realized that I have worked SO hard to fight rejection from others, but what I really needed to be fighting was rejection from
myself. Wow.
Because of this, last night I ran. Not because I wanted to lose weight. Not because I hated my body so much that I had to do something to get rid of it. I just ran because I wanted to run. It was nice and cool last night with a beautiful breeze and I just wanted to get my frustrations and emotions out on the pavement. There is an old Copeland song (gosh I miss them) that goes,
"Sing with your head up With your eyes closed/Not because you love the song/Because you love to sing..." These days I'm running and loving myself not because I want to lose weight (loving the song), but because I love to run (love to sing). I love the way my body feels after a run. My muscles twitching like a horse who's just run for miles. The way my back feels better and my body feels leaner. I feel like I can do anything after a run.
Now, I'm not a running machine...yet. I start off walking fast and then I run for a minute or so, then I slow down and walk again. Then I pick it back up for a bit and then I stop. It's a slow going process for me, but I keep telling myself that I'm training. Then I feel better. I don't beat myself up for not running the whole time. Last night I think I took it a little too hard because on today's run I could feel it in my shins and in my right hamstring and right knee. My body is warring with me, but I'm going to win. I will take it easy, but I will not stop.
This morning at 6am when I woke up (ugh, my one day to sleep in!!) I looked out the window and my first thought was, "It's cool outside, I should go run." WHAT?! Who am I right now. I mean, seriously. I laughed at myself and tried to go back to sleep instead. But I just kept laying there thinking about running. Then I remembered the new running playlist I found and that was it. I was up, donning my running garb and out the door before I could talk myself out of it. I still felt like I could conquer the world afterwards, even though it was a tough go. And I have ballet today. (Yes, I'm taking ballet. That's another post though.)
Moral of the story? Sing because you love to sing...who cares what the song is. :)
xo,
~N
