If I'm Being Honest...

19 days from now I'll be undergoing a massive surgery. 

The surgeon will not only remove 2 massive benign tumors from my uterus, but he will also have to reconstruct my uterus so that it will be able to support a life one day in our very near future. (Because we will only have a small window of time where we can try...and hopefully prevail.)

Sometime in the last two weeks the full implications of the surgery have hit me like a ton of bricks. Literally...the weight has been crushing.

Need to make a living will.

Need to have difficult conversations with my husband.

Must make a document of all our accounts, log-in and password combos, debt, emergency contact info for Aaron. God forbid he should be left in the mess without instruction.

I won't see the ocean again for at least one to two months. Must visit as often as humanly possible.

Won't be able to leave the house for over a month...must date my husband as much as our wallets and our schedules can afford.

Must clean and prepare for my Mother. 

Need to do as much living as I possibly can in the next few weeks.

Must prep a station near my side of the bed filled with books, magazines, and whatever necessary items I may need while I'm laying in bed bored out of my skull and feeling terribly alone. (I don't do well by myself, in bed, for long periods of time. Just fyi.)

I know I'm not supposed to even think about this...but dear God...what if I don't make it out of the surgery?

It doesn't matter what I should be thinking...it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks I should be thinking...these are the things I have to think about, but have been stuffing deep inside. These are the things I have to prepare myself (and my family) for. Do I honestly think I'm going to die? Absolutely not. But when you're about to undergo this kind of surgery...these are things you have to prepare for in the event.

A hurricane may or may not come, but you still have to be ready. 

Faced with these difficult decisions, I've felt more alone than I think I ever have in my life. I don't even know how to talk to other people about this stuff. And I've been overwhelmed with the feeling that people are getting really sick of hearing about my surgery. And I'm fairly certain people are completely done with hearing about all my stupid symptoms and woes. Honestly, I'm sick of them too. I'm sick of living with them. I'm sick of my insides literally expanding so badly that my lungs...my organs...everything hurts. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. 

But I don't post that on Facebook. I don't tell you that I've had migraines every single day for the last week and a half. I don't tell you about all the gross nasty things I have to deal with right now. I don't tell you that I'm fairly certain my job is getting extremely tired of me having to take a half day or even a full day off. And I don't even know how I still have a job. 

I don't tell you mostly because you may not even know what to say. And then I would feel bad because I put you in an awkward place. So I don't tell you. Even though all I need is a hug. Love. Someone just to tell me everything is going to be OK. (But not in a condescending way.) Someone just to check on me every now and then...make sure I'm not spending too much time in my own head. Someone that takes me out for tea...just so I have a chance to enjoy some company.

I don't tell you that I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving my husband behind. I'm scared of things going wrong in surgery and the doctor having to take everything. I don't tell you that I really hate needles...and that I'm terrified of them putting a catheter in. Oh, and that I'm not looking forward to the extreme pain I have been warned will come after this surgery. 

I've been feeling like the people who promised to stand by me during all of this have forgotten their vow. I've watched strangers stand up and offer more love and comfort and encouragement than the person claiming to be "closer than a brother." I don't understand this. I can tell you that I feel ousted from the social circles I thought I was in. I can tell you that I haven't received a single encouraging text or phone call from anyone in well over a month.

Oh, I know life gets busy. And I know that the Lord should be the only person I need. But if that was the case, I'm pretty sure He wouldn't have designed us to need/be in community. I know for a fact once I have this surgery, I won't even be able to use the restroom by myself. Goodness, I don't even think I'll be able to get out of bed by myself for the first week or two. I can't do this alone. It's not even an option.

So many of you have sent love and encouragement from far away. And I know you would do whatever you could if you were here. I love and appreciate you for that. I'm just feeling lonely lately and I don't like going through all this by myself. Most of the time I just need to vent in a safe place. But it's hard to do that these days.

Fortunately there's this blog. A place where I can vent a bit (within reason) and if someone doesn't want to hear about it anymore, they can stop reading. :) 

Thanks for putting up with me (if you've read this far). Soon enough this surgery will be over. It will be successful...I will heal up nicely and quickly. And then we'll have some wee ones and this whole season of worry/uncertainty/pain/etc will be over.

Hanging on.

~N

P.S. Some awesome news...we've officially raised $1,755.74 towards the surgery! We're still taking donations until we reach $3,000. That's the maximum out-of-pocket we'll need to pay for the surgery. The rest will be covered 100%! Whoo hoo! :) So at this point, we only have $1,244.26 to raise. If 125 people give $10, we'll be there! :) Thank you...a million times, for what you've already given. This surgery wouldn't even be happening right now if it wasn't for you!  :)

P.S.S. Loving this song right now!!