This was my year. At least it was supposed to be. But looking at where I was this time last year and comparing it to where I am now...I must admit I've fallen short.
Excerpt from last year's year in review:
"I don't know about you guys...but this year feels like something good. It feels like the start of something fabulous. Something unbelievable. But in a good way.
It also looks like a fighting year for me. This is the year where I don't 'lay down and take it.'"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, 2012 means war.
I'm going to war with my insecurities.
I'm going to war with my rejection.
I'm going to war with whatever hold the enemy has on my health.
I'm going to war with my fears.
This is not a "lay down and take it" kind of year."
"My rhema word for the year is.. Know your value and maintain it."
I wish I could say I didn't fully lay down and take it at some points this year. I wish I could say I fought a long, hard battle and came out the victor. But what I've learned this year is that some wars are mini-battles and some are "100 year wars." Sometimes you have to war much longer to win a battle. Some things can't be won overnight.
But I can say that I've fought...bravely. With much courage. I can say that circumstances in my life changed so drastically this year and I worked very hard to adapt. To mesh. To mold and be moldable. I may not have won the battle (yet) but I have certainly put up a good fight. And while I didn't "win," I was right when I said I thought it was the start of something good. That is definitely true.
Last year my dream was to get to the end of the year and feel like a completely different person. Well you know what? I may not have reached every achievement I thought I should, and my extremely detailed list of goals may have gotten chucked to the wayside before March rolled around...but goodness gracious I am a different person.
I've challenged myself to make scary decisions. To open my heart to love from other women. To trust again. I've allowed Love in to do what Love does. I have warred with rejection...and with my fears...and yes, even my health. It may look like my health has won this battle, but that's absolutely not true. I've fought and warred with symptoms in ways I never have before. I'm proud of that. I won't let my current circumstances take that from me. I won't let 2012 be forever masked as the year of the tumor.
I don't trust myself to try to "predict" or plan 2013 the way I tried to do so with 2012. If there's anything I've learned, it's that things don't always work out the way you think you want them to. Things change. Plans change. People change. And you know what? That's quite alright.
It's perfectly fine that I didn't reach every single goal on my list. Does that define what I can do in 2013 though? Absolutely not. I've gathered skills and understanding in 2012 that are absolutely necessary to battle the very battles I wanted to win this year. Sometimes strategy and understanding are half the battle.
So while I'm not planning every single day of 2013 like I tried to do last year, I am still youthfully optimistic. I have set goals...but I'm doing them differently this year. I'm doing them a few months at a time, and setting them up more like a "to-do list" because I respond to them better that way. This way I can stay on top of goals...and I can mold and adapt as things change. With my surgery coming around the bend in Feb, I can really only plan for a few months at a time. And certain goals go with certain seasons. I'm excited about this year. I'm going to live life to the fullest this year. And more importantly, I'm going to become a woman of my word. That's my rhema word for this year. I've spent a lot of time saying I'll do things. Lots of talk and little action. So this year when I was praying about what I should focus on in 2013, immediately it came to me. Stop talking. Start doing.
Because I want to be a woman of my word, that means I'll have to carefully scrutinize every opportunity and decision that comes my way to ensure that I can actually take on the task and be a woman of my word. James 5:12 is my verse for the year:
But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.
The goal is to become more purposeful and efficient and to eleviate stress wherever possible. I want to be able to take inventory of my heart and what's going on around me so I can give a realistic answer. This is why I'm doing my goals differently this year. I've made goals I believe I can realistically meet in the next month before my surgery. And then I'll have goals for during the recovery time (like read more than I watch tv, or study the Word, or stay emotionally positive and not eat my way out of house and home while I'm just laying there). Once the doctor has given the "all-clear," then I'll start my next set of goals. I'm excited to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty in 2013. I don't know what that means, but I have a feeling it's going to be worth it. :)
Cheers to you, 2012. You gave, and you took away. But my heart will choose to say, "Lord blessed be Your name."
xoxo,
~N
My 2012 Highlights Reel:
January ~
-We added to our family with our sweet little kitty cat Miles Davis Baltusis.
March ~
-I celebrated a hugely successful deal with LivingSocial.com. My first big advertising leap and it felt good to land on solid ground. :)
-I became completely medication free! Best feeling ever.
April ~
-I made the decision to start nikkibaltusis.com. Not out of narcism (well, I guess a little), but mostly to stay connected–to keep everyone current with my health updates, as well as offer fun DIY tips and recipes.
June ~
-Figured out I love running. (Excited to get back to this after my surgery! 5k anyone?)
August ~
-Aaron and I officially launched our music endeavor, aaronplusnikki.com. We recorded our first single, and then played it at a few different shows. I'm looking forward to more of this in 2013!
September ~
-My health situation took a turn for the not-so-great and we got the discouraging news that my benign tumor had grown from 9cm to 10cm and now needed to be surgically removed as soon as possible.
October ~
-Celebrated 7 years since my life-changing car accident.
November ~
-I voted for the first time ever!
-I tried to become a vegetarian, but quickly realized it was not for me a few days later. ;)
- I went Black Friday shopping for the first time ever! Saved over $150!
-Got promoted to full time at my day job! So exciting.
December ~
-Cooked my first turkey ever! (Who cares if it was upside down. ;))
-Endured a shooting at our apartment complex. (Over drugs...of all things.)
-Served on a Jury panel. It. Was. Awesome. !!!
-Endured a tornado warning/touchdown....in December. (Wha?)
-Spent Christmas with my family (after waiting 2 whole years to see them!!) and enjoyed every single minute of the snuggles and love. Filled up my love tank enough to get me through until, hmm, March? ;)
-Rang in the New Year with my lil' guys and spent most of the evening having my mom bleach my hair to get the black out. We both rang in the new year with hair color/bleach in our hair and towels on our heads. Pretty great night, I must say. :)
So it looks like 2012 mostly fizzled until the end...and then it went out with a *bang.* So funny. Glad it's over. I'm ready for something new!
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