I've found myself wanting to tidy up my affairs.
I've never so deeply desired to make a will before.
I've had an overwhelming urge to purge everything unnecessary in my home and in my life.
I've had the strongest desire to snuggle my loved ones tight.
I linger in hugs a little longer than usual.
I have had more Grace for my mistakes....because in the grand scheme of things, will I remember everything I forgot to do or will I smile at all the things I did do?
Death really puts life into perspective, doesn't it? Some of you have lost people you love recently. Your heart is aching...broken...feeling irreparable. I haven't lost anyone recently, but I've felt this ache...a longing...as if the weight of the world is sinking through my chest and I can't help but cry.
I mourn.
I'll be honest, I'm not always great about allowing myself to feel things. In fact I often just want to tighten the hatch and pretend like I'm too busy to notice. But then tragedies start happening in the dozens and I can't even try to not feel anymore. It just overtakes me.
I have been wrestling fear like it's my full-time job lately. Fear of losing the ones I love. Fear of the ones I love losing me. Perhaps my upcoming surgery has more to do with that then the tragedies as of late. But either way, I'm fighting.
Mommies and Daddies lost babies last week. 20 babies lost to the evil in this world. Blame it on mental illness...blame it on poor gun control...blame it on the security guard who let him in. But the truth of the matter is that it all comes back to the evil present in this world. The evil that makes even good people do bad things. The evil that makes bad people worse. You can pick it all apart if you really want to. But I'm just boiling it down to one thing and closing the door on that subject. Because it doesn't matter. All that matters is that babies were slaughtered and families are broken and they need our love.
The weekend before this happened, we had a shooting at my apartment complex. Literally in my backyard. I could look out the window and see the crime scene. I heard it happen. Shots...so many of them. Sirens...news crews and hearsay on behalf of my neighbors. I heard the mother screaming as she realized it was her son that lay dying. You don't forget that.
Today is fleeting and tomorrow isn't promised.
The more that gets drilled in my heart, the more I want today to count. I want today to mean more than yesterday, and if I get tomorrow, I want it to mean more than today. No more daily routine. No more "daily grind."
When it's my time to go, I want to be found truly living. I don't want anyone to ever question if my life was worth anything...or if I lived it to the fullest. I don't ever want to leave someone in this lifetime wondering if I truly loved them. If you're reading this, please know that I love you deeply.
Today counts, guys. This minute. That second that just passed. It all means something. Let's not allow these tragedies to grip us with fear––instead let's use it as a catalyst for change. In our own hearts...in our families...in our relationships.
Don't wait to sort out your beliefs in your Creator. Figured it out now. Tomorrow isn't promised. Don't waste another second of your life.
The only thing that gets me through the gripping fear of losing or being lost is my Hope in a God who saves and loves purely. I don't know why He allows these things to happen. But I do know 100% that He's weeping too. I know He's catching all the tear drops in His hands. I know He's big enough to handle my fear...anger...resentment. And He loves me through it. I couldn't do this life without Him. I'm so thankful for the Hope I have. It is my lifeline.
You are loved...treasured...worth more than the price tag you put on yourself. (Goodness...I think it's time for me to start listening to my own advice.) We are loved. There is Hope...your heart will heal. The hearts who have lost precious lives will heal. In time. But we need to pray. We're all in this together. We're all connected through God...who is Love. So we're all connected in Love. (And I don't care if you think I'm a hippie. Haha!) Maybe this world won't ever get any better...but we can certainly impact those around us with the Love that is within us.
xoxo,
~N
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