2012: My Year in Review and Plans for 2013

I don't know about you, but I'm desperately trying to get through this final day of 2012 without being overcome with emotion.

This was my year. At least it was supposed to be. But looking at where I was this time last year and comparing it to where I am now...I must admit I've fallen short.

Excerpt from last year's year in review:

Tomorrow is Not Promised

With all the tragedy and death happening around me lately (literally...like in my backyard), I've felt this overwhelming feeling of mortality. 

I've found myself wanting to tidy up my affairs. 

I've never so deeply desired to make a will before.

I've had an overwhelming urge to purge everything unnecessary in my home and in my life.

I've had the strongest desire to snuggle my loved ones tight.

I linger in hugs a little longer than usual.

I have had more Grace for my mistakes....because in the grand scheme of things, will I remember everything I forgot to do or will I smile at all the things I did do?

When Things Just Aren't Going Your Way...

Have you ever been there?

You know where I'm talking about.

Found here

The place where your feet touch together and you are looking around at what your life has become and you're overcome with disappointment...to the point of grief even.

Do you ever wish you could just be better.

Do you ever wish things could be different?

I have. I am wishing. I'm right here...right in that place where my feet are touching together and I'm just staring around at a life I never dreamed for myself.

I am not my circumstances. But my circumstances can certainly affect who I am.

Little by little I've watched life slip out of my tiny little hands. What I thought I had control of, I don't. At least not anymore. Everything has changed.

I won't launch back into my struggle right now. But what I want to talk about is the snowball effect.

November...in Pictures

Since I'm not so great at keeping up with my blog lately, I decided to give you a snapshot few snapshots of November.

*Some light reading. ;)*

*He's such a stud!*

Sometimes You Just Have to Breathe

I love that song by Ana Nalick..."Breathe...just breathe." Sometimes I sing a bit of a mantra that fuses Ana's song and Mat Kearney's song, "Breathe in, Breath Out." I don't know why, but it helps. Maybe because it takes the focus off everything and gets me singing instead?

I caught myself singing Johnny Cash's "Get a Rhythm" the other night. "Get a rhythm, when you get the blues, come on and get a rhythm." Before I knew it, I was knee-slapping and grinning from ear to ear. I forgot how much I loved music.

It's almost 11pm and I'm blogging. That ought to tell you where I'm at. Well, maybe a little.

Quickest update (since photos are uploading and I'm at a standstill.) :

7 Years

It was really late...probably 3am. We had just been downtown celebrating my sweet friend's birthday. My other friend and I hopped in the car to head home when it was over. We laughed and joked as we pulled out of the dimly lit parking lot. Little did I know, my whole life was about to change.

I remember thinking, "Hmm, that's weird. The streetlights aren't facing us." But I shrugged it off and blamed it on the idiosyncrasies of downtown Orlando. I wasn't driving, what did I care?

That's when I saw it...Do Not Enter....but it was too late. We had already been driving on a one-way street for almost a mile and had just entered a strip of road that we could not escape. Like a movie...a horrible horrible movie, I watched the cars coming at us. They had just been stopped at a red light but were now accelerating at the green. Like hungry, vicious monsters they were showing no mercy.

I remember thinking, "Don't they see us??!!" But they couldn't see us. My friend had forgotten to turn her headlights on. I knew it was inevitable and pulled my knees up, grabbed a hold of my seat belt, went into fetal position, and braced myself for the head-on collision.

I always had a reoccurring nightmare in which I was in a head-on collision. But I was always the driver, and I always walked away from it without a scratch. But this was real. And when I finally regained consciousness, I took inventory of the situation. My friend was ok...asking me if I was ok. I don't even know how I was rational, but I remember telling her to call 9-1-1. She told me her phone was lost in the car somewhere. I told her my purse was right under my legs and she could get my phone in there. I remember smelling smoke as she reached down to get my purse. Then she brushed my legs and I started screaming for her not to touch me. I didn't realize until then that my legs were still bent in the same position...the air bag had deployed and somehow my legs were all discombobulated around it. That's when the shock started wearing off and the searing pain set in.

Everything happened so fast...and yet so slow all at the same time. I remember a lady driving by in her car screaming at us. She was saying something like, "What the *curse* are you doing?" I believe there was some string of explicatives spewing from her mouth as she drove away. I remember being in disbelief that she didn't even stop to see if we were alright.

That's when I saw a man with kind eyes at my window. He was asking me something...I think he was asking if I was alright...but I couldn't really hear him. I heard him fumbling at the door handle, trying to get to me. My friend had gotten out of the car and was on the other side talking to the man. I wanted him to know that I was ok so I unlocked the door for him. He opened the door as fast as he could and told me he could smell smoke...he needed to get me out of the car. But when he went to touch me, I screamed again and begged him not to touch me anymore. The pain was so great, at that point I would have rather burned in the car than have anyone make it worse.

He talked to me...kept me company until the ambulance got there. I couldn't see much outside of the car, since the front of the car was now at the windshield. But in what felt like 3 seconds, the ambulance was there and all of a sudden there were people everywhere. Talking to me...asking me questions. One man behind me with a board and another woman next to me. So many questions getting fired at me..."Did you bump your head? Where does it hurt?" I wanted them to just leave me alone. Just get me out of this car so I could lay down. How could I know if I hit my head or not? I had blacked out.

They finally extracted me from the car and cut my favorite dress pants up to the knee on both legs. I begged them not to but the woman used some term of endearment to try to calm me down. I guess she thought I would find pants that fit that great again some day. (For the record, she was wrong.)

I remember being so cold in the ambulance that night. I knew even then that the stench of death was on me. I didn't need to see it on the EMT's face. I could just smell it. I remember praying at that point...finally remembering God was out there. I silently screamed at Him for leaving me. For deserting me in my weakest hour. Didn't He know that I could have died? That night in the hospital was the loneliest night of my life. Test after test. Doctors coming in to look at my foot which was now in the shape of a "V." X-Rays, an MRI, trying to pee laying down, begging the Chaplain to let me make the call to my mom so she wouldn't think I was dead. Listening to my mother's panicked voice when he finally handed me the phone...after not respecting my wishes and mumbling something about protocol.

After the dust had settled, (a few weeks later) I came out with a completely broken right foot (all the little bones inside were crushed), a damaged lisfranc joint in my right foot, broken left foot, smashed up knees (since they hit the dashboard), contusions from the seat belt and air bag, and a long road of recovery ahead of me. The doctors kept telling me it was a miracle I was alive...that I didn't have internal bleeding. I remember thinking they must be insane because I couldn't walk...wouldn't be able to for months...and I certainly didn't feel alive.

I wish I could say I didn't sink into despair after all that. I wish I could say I got closer to the Lord and I was some miracle, inspirational story. But honestly? I wasn't. I was a mess. I hated everything and everyone. I hated waking up every morning at 3am in excruciating pain...a cruel trick my body played on me every night...the same time as the accident. I hated falling on the icy deck with my crutches sprawled everywhere. I hated how everyone expected me to fight...when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry.

It's been a long 7 years. Not only have I had to rehabilitate my feet/legs/body...I've had to rehabilitate my heart. The insurance companies did their assessment on the irreparable damage done to my body and they decided I would be 7% disabled for the rest of my life. But my heart felt much more disabled than that. I didn't realize I had still been harboring bitterness about this accident until about a month or two ago. I was sitting in church...worshipping...and I remember thinking the Lord didn't really save me from anything great. Yea, I'm a sinner and I'm as bad as the worst of them...but there wasn't some pivotal moment where I was at rock bottom and needed saving. That's when I felt Him tug at my heart strings.

"7 years ago this year, I saved you from that car accident."

I had never thought of that. Honestly. Cemented in my mind was that God had abandoned me in my darkest hour...left me for dead. That I deserved that car accident. But in reality, He cushioned the blow...sent a team of kind people my way during the entire journey that took care of me and pushed me to fight. I had physical therapy specialists who knew how far they could push me before I would break, and they would always comfort me after it was over. I had friends and family that came alongside me during the journey and they took care of me...and took my crap as I healed. I had everything I needed to get through that experience. I don't even know how I didn't see it before.

God never abandoned me...He was holding my hand the whole time.

7 years later, I'm going through another life-changing experience. (Oh number "7"...there is something so important about you.) A benign tumor on my uterus...facing a massive surgery. Fighting infections in my lymph nodes. There's so much going on...but my response is so much different this time around. I know that God has not abandoned me in my time of need. I reach out for Him daily during this journey. During my last journey, I pushed Him as far away as I could.

I've changed so much in 7 years. I was just a child then. 21...thinking the world owed me something. Thinking I was in charge of my own destiny and nobody could touch me. I was invincible. But that car accident woke me up to something greater. It showed me what was important in my life...and what was just fluff. Who could stay and who would go. It showed me that maybe I didn't know everything. It showed me that I am absolutely not in control...as much as I would love to be. But what a better script He is writing. What a beautiful story to share with the world. A story that will bring us all together...that will free us.

I recently wrote this on my Facebook wall:

"I am convinced my suffering is never in vain. It rounds the sharp edges of my character and causes me to be more empathetic. For this, I am grateful. This life is not about me."

I could never have written something like that if I never suffered through anything. I didn't write that to be self-righteous...or to be a martyr. I wrote that because it was a revelation of a change in me. A change that came about because of the heartache and despair I have experienced. That I am even *gasp* grateful for now.

Maybe you're in this place right now. Something horrific has happened to you and you don't even know what to do with it. You're angry. You're hurt. You're broken. My friend, you are grieving. There is a grieving process and I fully believe in allowing that healing process to happen. Let yourself heal. Know that God can pick you up, dust you off, and put you back together again. He did it for me. No, my life is not perfect....it never will be. But we can still find joy in this life. We can still choose it, even when it hurts. Don't let your pain become your world. Set parameters for where your pain can go. Don't let it destroy your relationships...your future...your hope.

Let people in. Find good people and let them in. It will change everything.

Cheers to another 7 years.
xo,
~N

Recovering From a Hospital Visit and Trying to Stay Positive

Happy Saturday everyone!

I've been taking it easy this morning. I slept in, ate breakfast at home (instead of in my car), drank as much of a good cup of coffee as I could (before my tummy started getting upset again), and managed to get our Wii working properly again. I'd say that's a good morning!

I know everyone is waiting for an update about my hospital stay this week so I won't delay. First let me please just say a heartfelt thank you from Aaron and I. So many of you have called, texted, messaged, Facebooked, sent us money, sent us love/prayers/good thoughts, and have stood by our side during this super difficult time. I can't tell you how many times I've shed tears thanking God for all of you!

If you've read previous blog posts, then you know I have a tumor on my uterus. It's benign, but is wreaking havoc all over my life. Tuesday morning I started hemorrhaging and almost blacked out a few times while at work. I just knew something wasn't right so I called my doctor's office to ask for guidance and they advised me to go to the ER because something definitely wasn't right. I got to the ER around 11 am (or so) and proceeded to have a horrible experience. I didn't even get a room, was stuck in the hall on a bed (in a skirt!) with no privacy. It was so miserable and my thoughts were having a field day. I was so embarrassed that I was tempted to tell them just to let me go home. I hadn't heard from any doctors, barely had any tests. I was certain that I was getting "written off" and surely they'd send me home soon. I am usually a private person when it comes to these things and being in the hall...I was just mortified. Well, I found out right quick that it was a very different story when I tried to eat some crackers. The doctor saw me eating and quickly asked me to stop. That's when it tipped me off that she was waiting on something. I had already had all my tests and blood work by this time, so there was no reason I couldn't eat. Long story made short, they admitted me to the hospital shortly after. The OB-GYN on call told the doctor that was treating me that I needed to stay so I could start a series of injections of medicine to stop the bleeding.

I finally got a room around 6 pm and then promptly got dinner (whoo hoo!). They started my medication and I'll just skip through all the small details from here. Just know that I was in excruciating pain, and very sick. At one point I had a small fever as well. Aaron's parents came to visit me for a bit, which was really nice. Aaron came right when he got out of work with an overnight bag. Fortunately I got my own room so he was given permission to stay with me. They even brought him a cot! So sweet. Late that night the OB-GYN came in to give us some disappointing news.

My uterus is now so enlarged that it's the same size as a woman who is 5 months pregnant (measuring in at 20 cm...a normal woman's is 6 or 7 cm). The tumor is 10 cm, which means it's taking up half the uterus. Surgery to remove it at this point is not an option. He described it as a large, solid ball and if they remove it, it will leave a gaping hole in my uterus. Obviously not making it safe to ever carry a baby. He explained some other things to us that I heard, but was more focused on the fact that I can't even have surgery right now. It was so disheartening. I thought for sure this was the answer to all my pain! Easy as pie...we'll just remove it and you'll be able to get pregnant and that's that. But no, we've got some more hoops to jump through now.

Side note. I was telling a friend of mine the other day that I feel like my life is full of doors lately. I keep thinking the answer to my situation will lie on the other side of the next door. So we work really hard to get that door open and all we find is another door. It's like a vicious cycle and I so want to get through this maze and move on with my life!

The doctor told us that we need to see an infertility specialist before we make anymore moves. He said they will be able to help us with a road map of where to go next. They can take a detailed look at our situation to see if there is a creative way to help us get pregnant, still be able to carry the baby, and keep me safe in the process. So much uncertainty behind the next door. Without God, our chances of this working are slim to none.

So what now? I'm on a medication (that I really don't want to be on) that's supposed to help calm everything down and keep me from hemorrhaging anymore. I keep telling myself it's temporary. I may have an appointment with my doctor this week, though I think I'm going to reschedule it for next week because I still haven't gotten an approval or denial from Blue Cross Blue Shield yet. Once we meet with him, we'll get a referral to an infertility clinic nearby. Obviously we will have to wait to do all this until we get some insurance. So please pray that we get a decision (either way!) about this soon. Waiting around, fighting pain and dealing with various side effects from the medicine is not really the quality of life I'd like to be living.

Thank you, again, for joining us on this journey! We couldn't get through it without you guys. Your love, support, and encouragement is helping us stay positive during this time. Keep it coming!!

xo,
~N

P.S. Here are a few photos from my stay.

Trying to take a nice pic in the bed.

How we really felt about everything. 

My nurses and my pain chart. (Just in case I forgot how I was feeling. :-p)

My iv fluids machine. Dispensing all 5 bags of fluid I got, along with pain meds and the like. Like peas and carrots we were. At this point you can't see it in the photo, but I could always tell my arm was bent because it said "maintenance"...this means an alarm is about to go off. I basically knew how to run this machine by the time I got out of there. (The nurses all taught me what to do when it beeped and yada yada.)

Breakfast of champions.

Aaron getting ready for work. 

He Will Carry Me

I just wanted to take a minute to say THANK YOU to everyone who has called, texted, messaged, prayed, and generally sent good love our way. This has not been an easy journey. (But then again, when are they ever?) But with all your prayers and love, we've been managing to trudge through. I have felt your prayers. Literally. Yesterday was the first day in almost 3.5 weeks that I was virtually pain free. That is a miracle, you guys.

God is good. That's the one thing I can trust in all of this. The Bible says that He catches all our teardrops. (Psalm 56:8-11) He hasn't forgotten about me. While there are times I feel so abandoned by Him, there are other times when I am reminded of the sweet, simple truth that He will never leave me or forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

This weekend my incredible father-in-law (Papa B) shared with us what He has been studying in the Bible lately. He was sharing how in the Bible in numerous translations, it doesn't necessarily say to have faith in Jesus, but rather to have His faith. Jesus was a man. He knew what He was called to do...and out of obedience and great faith, He did it. He lived it out. I love it. I love that we can not only have faith in Him, but we can have His faith. Could you imagine if we tapped into that faith...what we could do? Who we could be? What we could become? The impossible wouldn't seem so desolate. It would be easier to have joy in the midst of extreme pain.

Such a simple idea, but profound results.

A quick update about where we are at with this health journey:

*I found out that I need to be very careful about bending, physical activity/exertion, and even sleeping on the side where the tumor is. Apparently it has the potential of rupturing at this point. While I claim that it will not rupture, I plan to obey doctor's orders. *You can be praying a specific cover of protection over me for this.*

*I'm in the process of applying for a health insurance premium. Some generous folks have come alongside us to help get that going which we are so thankful for. I found out there's a chance BCBS of Florida will approve me, even with this condition. If they approve me, I would be covered immediately. No waiting period. The application will go through an underwriting process for the next week or two. *Please pray that I am approved!!*

*I have scheduled a doctor's appointment for 10/10 with a new doctor at the office that was caring for me last year before I lost my health insurance. They have agreed to see me for an upfront fee, and then they will bill me for anything additional. This appointment is in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that the timing of the health insurance approval (in Jesus' name!!!) will come in time for this appointment. Then I would only be responsible for a small copay. (Which would be awesome!)

So there you have it. I just have to get through the next two weeks. But I know with all your love, prayers, and sweet thoughts I will get through the next two weeks with joy, peace, and many more pain-free days!

I'm going to leave you with a mental picture/poem that's been encouraging me the last few days. I'm so thankful that He's carrying me. <3

*Found here*

xoxo,

~N

Here's the song I can't get out of my head...

Pain, Pain...Go AWAY!

Living with a painful/unseen health condition...

Has not been easy.

Has been frustrating on so many levels.

Has stolen life and joy from me and my husband.
Has caused my body to swell and bloat and hold weight like nobody's business.

Has made me feel so alone at times.

Has been so hard to explain to people..and equally as hard to help them understand.

Has caused me to question if God really cared about the pain I was in.

Has caused some bitterness, if I'm being honest.

Has delayed our chance of starting a family.

Has caused me to have to realistically consider the possibility that I could never have a family of my own.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop now.

I have a 10 cm uterine fibroid. (Sorry boys...you might want to read lightly/check out here. It's about to get straight up woman talk!) 10 cm fibroids are this size:

The same size of one of those magic 8 balls we used to play with. 

Make no mistake...this is not just "something women get." It was considered that about 6-8 cm ago. This is a benign tumor. (Meaning it's not cancerous.) But it's still a gigantic ball in my "Reproductive Cavity" that is wreaking havoc on my life. That's not being dramatic, that's being very serious. 

The side effects have been getting worse and worse over the last few months. To the point of me not even getting a cycle (at all...zilch) and being in continuous pain for almost 3 full weeks now. Walking, sitting, standing, ANYTHING makes it hurt.

I don't have health insurance. We can't afford it. So we've been waiting...trying to wait until the next paycheck to pay for my initial doctor's visit so I could make sure nothing was wrong. But paychecks would keep coming and going and after I did our budget for the next check and realized this one wasn't going to be it either, I knew it was time to do something.

Friends helped me research free clinics I could try to go to. I finally found one that would see me so I went there last night right after work. "I'm sorry ma'am, you make too much money. We can't treat you." Heart break. I work part time. We are literally $600 over the poverty line. Sadly, this is the plight of the "middle class" these days. Most of us ride the poverty line but because we manage to stay afloat, there's no help for us. It's the most frustrating, heart breaking situation. (But I'll save that political rant for another time.)

The point is...that was my last straw. I've been in so much pain...can't wait another 2-4 weeks. It's time now. So Aaron (my husband) and I made the decision last night that I needed to go to the Emergency Room. While I knew they wouldn't be able to do the surgery that I need there, I figured it was worth it just to make sure I wasn't extremely ill and that what I was experiencing wasn't life threatening.

I'll fast forward through all the tests and poking and prodding I had to go through last night. But the results of those tests showed the following:

*The largest fibroid has grown from 9 cm (measured August 2011) to 10 cm.

*I have a cyst on my right ovary (again...grr).

*My uterus is extremely enlarged. 

*Everything is so swollen in there that they literally could not photograph the left side of my "Reproductive Cavity." Nothing. They couldn't even get the instruments through there.

Explains the pain, nausea, discomfort, and various other symptoms I've been experiencing. (I'll spare you.)

Fortunately the hand of God has been upon us and the doctor last night did everything he could to help us. He gave us some resources we could check out and I was given a prescription for a mild pain reliever/anti-inflammatory medication (Non-narcotic...I could buy it over the counter in a lower strength.) and was sent on my way.

I was told to try to connect with the OB-GYN affiliated with the hospital so I could be seen immediately. Turns out "being seen immediately" requires $114-$175 up front. Not even a possibility right now. As it is, the $11.99 it's going to cost for my prescription will eat up the rest of what we have.

I've tried calling the Health Department...free clinics...the whole nine yards. But I either make too much money or they don't do payment arrangements. Could I get a health insurance premium if I had help? Sure. But then there's that pesky "pre-existing condition" situation. So we'd be looking at another 6 months (at the very least) before I could get seen again. At that point, the fibroid would be half way to 11 cm (if it continues at its current rate of growth). Do I need to remind you that I don't have any space left? That my organs can literally not handle it anymore?! Could you imagine 11 cm?! (I certainly don't want to. 10 cm is painful enough.)

What's next? A letter to my county Mayor? The FL Governor? At what point do I finally get to push through the health care red tape and get the help I desperately need? Will it take a life-threatening situation before someone does something about it?

Rhetorical questions at best. In the meantime I'll just keep trying to beat down the doors of every single OB-GYN in the county until someone agrees to help. And if nobody will help in my county, I'll skip on over to the next.

Something's gotta give.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you understood this update.

At this point I probably don't even need to reiterate our need for prayer. A huge thank you to the folks who have stuck by us during this time. Your prayers have sent some warmth into our hearts and a teeny bit more patience comes from our lips because of it. Please don't stop.

xo, 

~Nikki

Happy Thursday!

I am currently writing this from the biggest computer screen I've ever used in my life. 27 inches of sheer clear beauty...if only it could come home with me. ;)

Also, this is the first blog post I am adhering to the new "one space after a period" rule. I had no idea this had changed. I feel naked without that second space. Like somehow all my sentences look like run-ons now. Oh well. I will adapt. (And spend a lot of time un-spacing.)

I am scared to look at the date of my last blog post. I'm certain it was over a month ago. Some of you have written, justifiably upset at my lack of gut-spillage here on the blog. If you've missed my crazy antics, this apology is for you.

Life took over...and instead of analyzing and photographing and over-thinking, I simply just lived it. There are a few Instagram photos flying around, documenting the life I've led. There are roughly five drafts hanging around my blogspot folder full of half-hearted thoughts and paragraphs. I would start writing, but nothing felt right. No word could adequately explain this season. So I just lived it.

I've since switched small groups at church (with my hubs) which slightly broke my heart because it's sort of like choosing another family. While it was hard to say goodbye, and many tears were shed, it's been one of the best decisions we've made this year. Our new "family" has welcomed us with a warm, loving embrace and we are all the better for it. I've spent much of my time getting to know them and attending all their social events. (Our social butterfly hearts have been a-flutterin'!) This family is showing us a new level of spiritual, emotional, and physical growth and we are all too excitedly (though me sometimes begrudgingly) embracing it. My new leader is so patient. I don't even know how she does it...how she can have a heart that big and a love that wide. I pray someday I could love like her. So selflessly.

I've been fighting for health and weight loss. I'm teetering between 10 and 11 pounds lost, but I'm fighting mostly for the ground I've gained in the process. The fight has not been with flesh and blood (though I've fought some of that lately) but with soldiers not of this world. It's exhausting...but I have no right to give up.

PaintHope.com is soaring. Not because I've had more business than I can handle...but because I've had some time off (summer is slower) to learn, regroup, grow, and dream. I've learned some new skills...spent more time editing in Photoshop (in addition to Lightroom), and just allowed myself to try something different. Things are running more smoothly because of it. Clients are more satisfied. And my creative/perfectionist heart is running wild.

Hubs and I have launched our newest endeavor. www.aaronplusnikki.com ..."Real life love, in music." That's right! We are finally doing music again. This time for real! ;) We realized we had put off our calling far too long. So we recorded the song we've been working on for 1.5 years (ugh) with some incredible friends of ours (shout out to Studiofive12!) and set out to show the world what we've got. If you visit the website, you'll get to hear the single, "Hearts Like Glass." And you can purchase it on iTunes and Amazon and all that fun stuff. Also, you can find us on FB and Twitter, etc. Your support means the world!! We've played a few shows since. Mostly covers (our favorite love songs) while we're working on more tunes. But it's good for us to get back into the swing of things musically. The scene has changed a lot since I've been there. I'm sort of glad for that.

Other than that, I've been busy downgrading the house and cleaning and organizing. I'm in the whole "less is more" phase so it's been a slow going process, but it's moving at least. I've been making all my own cleaning products like laundry soap, febreeze, dish soap, fabric softener (er, will be trying this soon, I should say), and many more! (Blog post with recipes/instructions coming in the near future!) There is something so satisfying about making your own products. I feel like I am contributing to the well being of my little family, as well as saving precious money. We've been fighting the debt mountain so every little bit of cash we can save goes directly towards that. It's been really hard, but we've seen favor with our debtors and have had chunks of debt just wiped clean in exchange for keeping payment arrangements. Call it what you will, but we're calling all those sweet little forgiven monies miracles.

Lastly, I'm voting this year. I've never voted in my life. I have tried to care about the issues before, but I got so frustrated with the presidential candidates that I just walked away. Not this year. There are too many issues close to home that cannot be ignored. I've followed this campaign pretty closely and I've made my informed decision and I will be voting on election day for Mitt Romney. While there is no perfect candidate, I do believe he and his running mate have a strong conviction for how to get our country up and running again. I like their values, not their religion necessarily, but that they value hard work and sacrifice. I love that both have lived semi-normal lives and have worked hard to provide for their families. I'm not a fan of wishy washy politics, or people. And our current leadership team is not working out for us. I'm looking forward to the election...and getting one of those "I Voted" stickers. ;)

That's all for me for now. If you're reading this, I pray blessings over you and yours!

xo,
~N

P.S. Only 116 more sleeps until Christmas!!!  :)

"Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters..."

Happy Fathers Day to all the Papas out there!  I hope you were spoiled rotten with love from your family!

We had the precious opportunity to spend part of the day with Aaron's dad, whom I affectionately call, "Papa B."  Obviously I call him, "Dad," but I always refer to him as Papa B when I talk about him to others.  It was a very special day for us as a family because roughly 6 months ago, we almost lost him to heart failure.  6 months later, he's alive and doing much better than that dreadful day.  His heart is functioning 5% better now!  Praise the Lord!!  We just spent some time thanking God today for keeping Papa B. here with us a little longer.  It was a sweet time indeed.

Including him, I have three glorious dads.  Each of them brings something so special to my heart and while I may not understand why God did what He did in my life, I'm so thankful that He knew I would need THREE dads to make it through this life.  ;)

Me and my biological dad a few years ago:

Spitting image, right?


My stepdad and I at my wedding:

And last, but certainly not least, Papa B!

I love my dads.  :)  There was a time in my life where I harbored bitterness and anger about how things happened in my life.  I didn't understand that God had plans for each of these men in my life and now I wouldn't trade them for the world!  I love each of them individually and I am truly blessed to call them all my father.

This was the first Father's Day where I was not really thinking about my dads.  I love them and called them and sent them all cards, but what I couldn't stop thinking about was the day that Aaron will be a dad.  I saw so many pictures of little ones with their papas and all I could daydream about was Aaron getting to be next.  The day that Aaron gets to hug his little wee ones and laugh and joke and teach them how to surf.  It wasn't in a sad way by any means...in fact, it brought tears of joy to my eyes.  I can't wait for the day that I get to refer to him as, "Daddy" to my little ones.  :)

I hope you all had a great weekend and that you have a great Monday!!!
xo,
~N

"Not Because You Love the Song...Because You Love to Sing"

Bizz-ee.  (Say it out loud and you'll know what I mean.)

This is definitely not a season of idleness for me.  In fact, I would venture to say it's the exact opposite.


Work 30+ hrs/week, school full time, running my own photography business, babysit one night a week at the church, small group leading, small group attending, church, ministering at the rehabilitation center, AND trying to find time to cultivate the relationships in my life (like my husband), though there are only a few I can realistically do that with right now.  Some relationships are more demanding and I've had to place boundaries up in order to keep my sanity and still keep those friends.  Others are refreshing and encouraging and reenergizing.  These days, with any spare time I have, I find myself gravitating towards those relationships in order to be filled, since I just keep pouring out every day.  I'm thankful for those people in my life.  Without them, I would be completely sapped dry.

Life = projects these days.  You don't even want to see my "to-do list."  You would probably cry.  For me, of course.  The problem is that life doesn't allow me to start a project and finish it right now.  But things still have to get done.  I'm definitely the kind of personality that prefers to do everything from start to finish, no matter how long it takes.  I hate starting something and then leaving it.  It's like breaking "the zone," (whatever that is) and it irritates me more than anything.  But I've been stretched in that area because life is forcing me to start projects and then leave midway.  But the more projects I've started (and then finished later), the more fulfilled I've felt.  It's less stressful knowing I've already started a project and as soon as I get 30 minutes/1 hr/etc...I'll be able to finish it.  That takes some of the pressure off to get things done right now.  Seriously, the list of projects I have right now is ridiculous.

Speaking of, this morning I got up at 6am (I'll tell you why in a minute), and after my run (see, I told you I'd tell you) I decided I was sick of the kitchen being nasty.  I knew I had about an hour before I needed to start getting ready for my photo shoots/long day today so I thought, "I'm going to start the kitchen.  If I can't finish, that's OK.  But at least I will have started it!"  I worked like a busy bee and managed to finish the kitchen (minus sweeping/mopping).  What an awesome feeling knowing that when I get time to clean again, I can move on to another room.  Since my husband is working now again too, we aren't home much so *hopefully* the house will stay relatively clean.  Unless Miles (our cat) decides to terrorize, which he has been doing lately.  (Can't wait to get him neutered.  That's mean, but it's the truth!)

Lately I've been running.  And by "lately," I actually mean I ran once last week and then again last night.  Haha.  But the point is that I'm even doing it at all!  For years I told myself and everyone else that I wasn't a runner.  So true to self-fulfilling prophecy, I was not a runner.  Knee pains, hamstring pains, foot pains, etc.  I just couldn't do it.  (Gee, I wonder why?)  So finally I decided (this year) that I wanted to be a runner.  Not for some great magnificent charity or something, but for the charity of me.  I want to be a runner.  So, I started by speaking that I am a runner.  (Sounds silly, I know.  I hadn't even donned a pair of running shoes yet!)  Then, I bought running shoes...and they sat in the house for a few days.  But, then I went running.  And guess what?  No knee pains.  No hamstring pains.  No foot pains.  Just me and the pavement and some good old fashioned sweat dripping down.  I was officially a runner.

So I got an armband to put my phone in so I could track my runs and listen to tunes, and I bought some running shorts so I could be legit (and comfortable).  And then I didn't run for like a week.  Rain and school and excuses took my time and attention and I just keep the guilt flowing.  But then yesterday I had the most awesome revelation.  God showed me that I had been rejecting myself.

Now, I knew that.  But not really.  I would never look at myself in the mirror...figuring I would love myself more when I lost weight.  I figured it wasn't worth loving me right now because I was going to change and become fabulous anyways.  Wrong.  SO WRONG THINKING.  I knew I was doing it but I couldn't get my head to admit it and realize it was wrong and I needed to change that thinking.  Ephesians 1:6 says that we are accepted in the Beloved.  So, then, if we're accepted by God because of Christ, we need to accept ourselves!  If God won't reject me, why am I so quick to reject myself?!

I've probably heard that a million different times and a million different ways, but yesterday it resonated and hit me like a ton of love bricks.  That's the missing piece.  That's the wall that's actually kept me from losing weight all these years!!!  Holy.  Bananas.

So yesterday, for the first time maybe ever in my life, I went the whole day loving myself instead of rejecting myself.  Life-changing.  Love me now, not later.  I always heard this, but could never figure out how to do it.  I realized that I have worked SO hard to fight rejection from others, but what I really needed to be fighting was rejection from myself.  Wow.

Because of this, last night I ran.  Not because I wanted to lose weight.  Not because I hated my body so much that I had to do something to get rid of it.  I just ran because I wanted to run.  It was nice and cool last night with a beautiful breeze and I just wanted to get my frustrations and emotions out on the pavement.  There is an old Copeland song (gosh I miss them) that goes, "Sing with your head up With your eyes closed/Not because you love the song/Because you love to sing..."  These days I'm running and loving myself not because I want to lose weight (loving the song), but because I love to run (love to sing).  I love the way my body feels after a run.  My muscles twitching like a horse who's just run for miles.  The way my back feels better and my body feels leaner.  I feel like I can do anything after a run.  


Now, I'm not a running machine...yet.  I start off walking fast and then I run for a minute or so, then I slow down and walk again.  Then I pick it back up for a bit and then I stop.  It's a slow going process for me, but I keep telling myself that I'm training.  Then I feel better.  I don't beat myself up for not running the whole time.  Last night I think I took it a little too hard because on today's run I could feel it in my shins and in my right hamstring and right knee.  My body is warring with me, but I'm going to win.  I will take it easy, but I will not stop.


This morning at 6am when I woke up (ugh, my one day to sleep in!!) I looked out the window and my first thought was, "It's cool outside, I should go run."  WHAT?!  Who am I right now.  I mean, seriously.  I laughed at myself and tried to go back to sleep instead.  But I just kept laying there thinking about running.  Then I remembered the new running playlist I found and that was it.  I was up, donning my running garb and out the door before I could talk myself out of it.  I still felt like I could conquer the world afterwards, even though it was a tough go.  And I have ballet today.  (Yes, I'm taking ballet.  That's another post though.)


Moral of the story?  Sing because you love to sing...who cares what the song is.  :)


xo,
~N

Daily Pins: Rainy Day Inspiration

Happy Saturday!

It's pouring here.  Sprinkle in some thunder and lightening and you've got my idea of a perfect Saturday!  (If I get to stay home, that is.)

Today's pins are all about rain.  Ideas for a rainy day, fun puddle pictures, and an adorable umbrella.

Doesn't this look so fun?!

 

I repinned it here.

Oh goodness.  My graphic designer heart is so happy!

 

I repinned it here.

And finally...here's something fun to do while it's raining.  (And it doesn't require a whole day to do.)
Instagram photo magnets!  So exciting!  (Are you following me on Instagram? My name is:  helloworlditsnikki.  Come say hi!)

I repinned it here.



Have a great rest of the weekend!
xo,
~N

Daily Pins: Inspiration, Summer Sangria, And a Pin That Cracks Me Up Every Time.

 

Happy Friday!

I know I haven't been the most consistent with this blog.  But I'm busy getting a degree, so have some patience with me!  ;)

I'm starting a new segment called, "Daily Pins."  These are all awesome things I've found from Pinterest, a website you should really subscribe to.  If you're a DIY-er and/or love things in life, this site is for you!  From fashion tips to homemade house cleaners (blog post coming soon on that!), you can find it all!  The great thing about Pinterest is that you can actually click on the link and be magically transported to the original home of the article/photo/etc.  I am a faithful "pinner" and if you aren't interested in signing up for yet another social media site, let me bring the fun to you!

I love love love this quote:

 

I repinned it here.

I've seriously been dying to try this sangria from the moment I saw it.  White Strawberry-Lemon Sangria.  Oh.  My.  Stars.

 

 

I repinned it here.

 

And finally, I leave you with a pin that cracks me up every single time.

 

I repinned it here.

I can't handle it!  I practically cry tears of laughter every time I see it.  I just want to fist pump and high-five someone.  Every time.

Have a great weekend!

xo,

~N

A Day in the Life

Chances are, you don't subscribe to every single status update I make on Facebook.  (And depending on the day, it could be many, or it could be 1.)  So I figured rather than giving you this elaborate update on my life as of right now, I would just give you a look at my day today.  Then maybe you'll get a small idea of what I'm up to.  ;)

*6:45am the alarm went off.
*7:30am I crawled out of bed.  (Yes, I snooze for 45 minutes.)
*Between 7:30am and 8:45am-ish, I got ready for work.  (Yea, I have an awesome job now!)
*9am - 3:30pm Worked at my awesome Production Assistant job for a successful Christian magazine.  (Think Devil Wears Prada, minus the clothes and mean, ridiculous boss.  OK...it's nothing like Devil Wears Prada.  But it's fun!  And it keeps me busy.  Every day I'm working so hard that I look down at my clock and realize I was supposed to go home 10 minutes ago!  That's.  Awesome.)
*4pm I made my way home to kiss my hubs and snuggle my kitten.  (Worked late today.)
*4:30pm - 6pm-ish I donned my "Small Business Owner's Cap" and returned client emails for Paint Hope.  I went back and forth with the print shop trying to get an order right (only to find out I just wasn't counting properly..doh!).  I got a call for another print order so I frantically scrambled to add that to my already existing, complicated order.  (I'm seriously going to bake the guy at the print shop some cookies or a cake or something because he is so patient with me!  Everyone say a nice prayer of blessing for Daniel tonight.  That boy works hard!)
*6pm - 7pm I donned my "Housewife Cap" and figured out the finances.  Called the school to find out when we can expect our financial aid, etc.  Figured out bills and quietly rejoiced because we are finally paying our bills.  I know that sounds so weird...but after months of squeaking by on a prayer, we are finally able to pay our bills.  (Even after we had a tire blow on my car yesterday and we had to replace both back tires.)  Tomorrow will be the first time we pay rent on time, I think, this year.  Prayers of thanks and rejoicing went up in our house today.  :)  I'm looking forward to when Aaron gets a job too so we can start getting ahead.
*7pm - 8pm We splurged and ordered some Chinese from the local restaurant.  I was pretty proud of myself for only eating less than half the meal and drinking water with dinner.  Baby steps friends, baby steps.
*8pm - 8:30pm We got things in order to get ready to run.  (That's right, I run now.  ;))  I recently spent some *precious* money on some good running shoes.  Half my battle with working out is wearing the right shoes.  I've always just purchased the cheap shoes from Walmart or something, but every single time I get blisters or they dig into my ankles and it makes exercising impossible and extremely painful.  So finally we went and got some decent running shoes.   
*8:30 pm - 9:15pm We went running in the nice breeze (thanks, thunderstorm, for the cold front) and then stretched and did some sit ups and such.  It felt so good to get out there and actually run...even if I had to stop and walk a few times.  For my first time trying to run a lot, I am really proud of myself.  I started the Couch25K program, but 2 minutes of running just didn't feel like enough.  I knew I could go more so tonight I figured I would just try.  It was awesome.
*9:15pm - 10:45pm I baked cookies for the women's mentoring luncheon at work tomorrow and worked on a few other things (like this blog). 
*11pm - *12am I'm hoping to be in bed, ready to pass out!


So there you have it...a day in the life.  Unfortunately this doesn't even give a snapshot of my other days where I literally have things back to back.  (Like yesterday with my 7am photo shoot before work plus all my other odd and end things I do during a week.  Now that you've seen a snippet of my week, I hope you can understand if I haven't had a chance to, you know, hang out or even call or text.  Most days after work I'm doing homework to try to keep up with my 4 classes.  2 of my classes end on the 17th of June so I'm trying to hang on as long as I can to finish these intensive ones and then I'll have a little more free time.  And by little, I mean none (as opposed to absolutely none).  ;)

Hopefully you are doing well and having a happy summer!  (I can officially say that now, I think.)

xo,
~N

Recipe: Strawberry Banana Oatmeal Smoothie

Just typing that title out was a mouthful!  But when you finally get a mouthful of this delicious smoothie, you won't even mind a bit.  ;)

I made this smoothie this morning and it was absolutely delicious!  I also love smoothies because it's such an easy way to "sneak" things into your day without even realizing it.  ;)

Strawberry Banana Oatmeal Breakfast Smoothie (the way I made it):

2 cups milk (though you could use almond or soy milk)

1.5 cups oatmeal (I used two individual packets of regular and 2 packets of blueberry oatmeal, uncooked)

2 bananas

10-14 strawberries

1 tbsp local honey

2 tbsp Chia seeds (love these!!! Sneaky sneaky ;))

4 capsules of Echinacea (opened and powder dumped for extra immune system support.  Sneaky sneaky! ;))

You could add anything you want to!  If I would have had some spinach, I would have added that.  Also, I don't like mine too sweet, so I only added 2 tbsp of honey; you could add either vanilla extract or sugar or more honey if you want.  Just add all the ingredients together and blend to perfection!  I like mine cold so I poured it over ice and drank it with a straw.  You could blend the ice right into it if you want.  My husband was sleeping, so I didn't want to wake him.  :)

Here are some photos from my smoothie-making process this morning.

 

Our awesome Hamilton Beach blender we got as a wedding gift.  Love this guy!

 Yummy!

Using local honey.  The Wildflower Mix has honeycombs right in it!

Chia seeds.  My new best friend.  They are supposed to aid in weight loss as well as many other awesome health benefits (like lowering blood pressure!).

All photos were taken on my android phone with the Camera FV app (free in the android market!) and edited with Pixlr-o-matic (Also free!  Filter: Bob,  Frame: Scrap).

I'm not usually a fan of "liquid breakfast" but it was nice to drink this yummy smoothie and reduce my normal breakfast by half.  (1 egg, 1 turkey bacon, 1 toast)

Let me know if you end up trying this!  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  :)

Have a great day!

~Nikki

From the Heart of a "Wannabe Mom"

Happy Mother's Day!

I have taken time today to reflect on all my moms (Momma Mary, Momma Kim, and Mama B.) and have decided that just saying, "Thanks" isn't quite enough.  We stand on our mothers' shoulders.  We run because they walked.  It is no easy task to mother...and my respect for them has probably tripled over the years.  I am honored and grateful to be blessed with three beautiful mothers!

That said, I want to address the hearts of the hurting.  I want to speak into the lives of the women who have lost babies, or haven't been able to conceive yet.  You may or may not know that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for about 6 months now.  I haven't been able to (yet).  While I know and trust that God has a plan for my family (not to mention promises He's going to fulfill), it doesn't make days like today any easier.  In fact, today was the hardest Mother's Day of all for me.

You see, Wednesday I had myself convinced that I was pregnant.  Everything lined up.  I even giggled at the idea that bananas were making me sick lately.  Surely that's a pregnancy thing, right?  Wrong.  So very painfully wrong.  I also made the grave mistake of psyching myself up and thinking, "It could be my first Mother's Day as a mom this year!"  After the single pink line showed up on my test (again), I knew I would move through another Mother's Day without the joy of knowing I was finally a Mom.

I had a photography gig at my husband's former church this morning so we decided to sit in on the service.  I did my best to prepare my heart for yet another "Celebrate Mom" sermon, but still found myself fighting bitterness in my heart.  I was shocked by the contents of today's message.

It was about Hannah, the childless woman.

With tears in my eyes I sat up straight, cocked my head up at God, and started to wonder just what He had up His sleeve for me at that moment.  Surely it was no coincidence I was sitting right there in that seat, on that very morning, in a church that decided to talk to childless mothers instead.

Tears threatened to spill over as I listened to the lady preacher tell the story of a determined Hannah.  Hannah was married to a man who had another wife with lots of children, but Hannah could not conceive.  She was constantly tormented by the husband's other wife...to the point of extreme agony and weeping.  But the difference between Hannah and me is that Hannah prayed.  Fervently.  I find myself just yelling at God instead.  I find myself shouting at Him about how unfair it is.  Why has He given me this desire if He's just going to keep it from me?!  He's surely the only One that can make it happen.

In the story (found in 1 Samuel 1:1) it says that God had closed her womb (vs. 6).  It feels like God has closed my womb.  And not only had God closed her womb, but her rival, the other wife, decided to make her life a living hell because of it.  How much can one woman take?!

I find myself asking God that constantly.  How much do you think I can take?!  The accuser comes to poke at my wound over...and over...and over, until finally I cry bitterly and weep in agony.  One more negative test.  One more person that says, "It's OK, you can adopt!"  While these kinds of comments are said in love, they are received with pain.  I am certain these folks who have beautiful children of their own do not realize the cost involved with adoption.  It always sounds so nice...so good.  But it costs a small fortune to adopt a child.  Do we want to try one day?  Absolutely.  Can we do that anytime soon?  No way.

So my desiring mother's heart waits some more.  Like Hannah, who waited so long for her sweet little boy to come into the world.  But see, it wasn't about Hannah...or Samuel.  It was about an entire nation that was waiting for that boy to come into the world to help save them.  Any sooner and the opportunity wouldn't have been ready.  Any later and he would have missed it.  But no, God's timing is perfect.

My challenge to your bitter heart is to let go and let God.  I know it hurts.  I know what the doctors have said.  I know the pain and the agony you're feeling.  I may have only been trying for 6 months...but this has been my dream since I was old enough to understand what being a mother meant.  I've waited forever for this.  In fact, my dear friend Janie and I used to joke that I was going to "birth a nation."  :)  Let's band together...let's trust together.  Let's remember that the timing is not about us.  Like Hannah, let's commit our children to the Lord.  Let's cry out to Him and wrestle with our flesh to touch His beautiful heart.  When we pray, bitterness will leave us.  And if it doesn't, pray yourself through it until all the bitterness is gone and all that remains is peace.

I needed this message today.  I needed Hope today.  And because I know there are so many of you dealing with this very real, unspoken hurt, I wanted to share it with you.  God has not forgotten us.   And I truly believe that God included the story of Hannah to show us that it's OK to be disappointed.  It's OK when it hurts.  Just don't forget where to go when that hurt comes.  When you cut yourself and blood is dripping everywhere, you don't wait to get a band-aid and some Neosporin.  When our hearts hurt, we can't wait to have them healed.  We have to go to the Great Physician.  We have to lay at His feet and weep.  We have to grieve that very real loss.  Trying to make it "go away" isn't going to do anything for us.  He is the only One who can make us feel better. 

Those of you with little babies already, snuggle them close for us.  Kiss their cheeks and smell their hair for us.  Don't neglect even one precious moment with your little ones because those moments will go away one day and all that will be left is your memories.  And if you need a break, those of us with Hopeful Mommy Hearts will gladly babysit for a little while.  :)

Here's to trusting God's plan over our own...
~Nikki 


Love this:

 Photo Credit

How to Reuse a K-Cup

Today I'm going to teach you how to reuse a K-Cup for your Keurig coffee machine.

If you're anything like me, you just can't handle the idea of using that little cup one time and then throwing it away.  You may have even attempted to use the cup 2 or 3 times like me.  But as you may have discovered, after the 1st time, it doesn't come out as strong and by the 3rd time, you're just drinking coffee-flavored water.  No good.

Because of this, a desire to create my own little "K-Cups" was birthed inside me.  I googled to my heart's content to figure out the best way to do this.  Some people buy the little K-Cup filter but after reading some reviews on it, a lot of people say it doesn't give as great of a taste as when you reuse the cup and make your own blend.  (I have not tried this yet, so I can't say either way.)

Without further adieu, on to the tutorial!  :)

First you want to start by cleaning out your K-Cups.  You first need to peel off the aluminum foil top.  Then dump out the coffee contents and carefully rinse it out.  You will want to do this ideally right after you use them, otherwise the coffee molds and ruins the filter inside.  Be gentle when you're scrubbing out the filter in the cups, as you could rip through the bottom.   

I like to line them all up and do them all at once to save time.

A close-up of a cleaned out K-Cup.

The bottom of the cup has a hole in it, but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference if you create another hole when you put it back in to reuse it.

I've noticed when reusing the cups that the coffee isn't as strong for some reason.  I decided to switch from my normal mild blend to a medium roast to fix that.  I like to go through and layer cocoa and cinnamon into my little coffee k-cup.  But you can use anything you want in your "custom blend."

I typically save my used aluminum foil for such an occasion.  I just use it, clean it off, fold it up and store it until I'm ready.  This is what you'll use to cover your K-Cups.

Cut the pieces into little squares.

Just cover the top with it!

I like to do this little cupping thing to them after I get the foil on there.  It builds a bit of a "seal" around the edge to avoid spills.

You want to make sure the foil is big enough to cover the edge.  If it's not, you get little tears like you see at the bottom right corner of this cup.  This leads to a HUGE hole in the foil and then it leaks all over the place.

Just throw the foil away.  ;)

Otherwise this happens to your machine.

Ta-da!  A bunch of fun filled K-Cups, ready for individual use!

If you want to make multiple blends, you can always name them something fun.  I called mine, "Choco-Spice."  Silly, but fun.  :)

I didn't bother to name them all because I'm the only one that drinks them and I know what I made.  :)  My husband drinks Espresso and has his own set-up.  Maybe one day he'll guest on the site and teach us how to make a great cup of Espresso!

I love that little "K-Cup tree."  The reused K-Cups fit great in it as well.  You just have to move the foil carefully and make sure you don't break your "seal."  That one on the bottom is decaf.  Who drinks decaf anyways?!

I hope you found this post helpful!  I feel like a whole new world has been opened up because of this!  :)

Until next time,

~Nikki